Surviving Stalking

Stalking is defined as "the willful, malicious and repeated following and harassing of another person"

- J. R. Meloy



Stalking can affect anyone no matter gender, race, socio-economic status or geographic location.

According to data in the United States, 1 in 12 women and 1 in 45 men will be stalked in their lifetime.

A stalker can be anyone. There is no single psychological profile that indicates a person may have a tendency to be a stalker. This is one of the reasons why every stalking case must be handled on an individual basis.

Another reason is that in many cases the stalker is someone the victim knows, ex-spouse, ex-boy/girlfriend, coworker, casual acquaintances, but a stalker can also be a stranger.


Things To Do

* No one ever deserves to be a victim of a stalker. Every situation that involves stalking is different, but there are a few guidelines to follow if you feel you are a victim of a stalker.

* Convey to the stalker that you wish to have no contact with him/her.

* Inform friends, family and your employer of the situation.

* Inform your local police department that you are a victim of a stalker; this is necessary even if you do not intend to file charges.

* Document the situation in which you have seen or had any type of contact with the stalker. This can be done in a personal diary or journal. Save all letters or emails.

* Change your email address, website or blog, if necessary.

* Also document any other pertinent information such as license plate number, personal appearance. These steps can help you if the situation escalates into something more dangerous.


Additional Steps

* File for a restraining or protective order. Information on filing can be obtained from your local court.

* Create a contingency plan. You may not think that you are in imminent danger, but the possibility still exists. Your local police or domestic violence center may be able to assist you with a more specific plan, but some ideas are:

* Have a list of critical telephone numbers; e.g. local police, friends, domestic violence centers, an attorney.

* Have a necessities bag. Possibly a small suitcase you can keep in the trunk of your car, just in case you can’t go home. It also may be a good idea to keep some cash in your necessities bag just in case.

* Always make sure you are never low on gas in your car.

* Take preventative measures to protect yourself from the stalker. Vary your routine. Do not do the same activities at the same time every day. For example go to work a little earlier than usual and use a different route.

* Have co-workers, roommates or family members screen phone calls and visitors.

* Do not travel alone if at all possible - "There is safety in numbers".


Other Research

Although significant attention has been devoted to adult perpetrators and victims of stalking, there is persuasive evidence that stalking begins at a much younger age.

Research suggests that stalking begins early and has developmental issues related to attachment, identity formation, and emotional states involving jealousy, envy, and anger.


References

McCann, J.T. (2000). Stalking in children and adolescents: The primitive bond. Washington: APA Books.

Meloy, J. R. (1998). The psychology of stalking: Clinical and forensic perspectives. New York: Academic Press.

Pathe, M. (2002). Surviving stalking. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

Stalking Resources

Stalking Resource Center

Surviving Stalking

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Angry Faces

What an angry face this little baby has, wouldn't you agree?

An article from the June 2006 journal of Current Biology supports research on how angry facial expressions are a priority when visually processing aspects in our world.

We are instinctually wired to be attuned to threatening faces in our environment. In fact, there are specific brain regions that are dedicated to processing threatening facial expressions.

In evolutionary terms, knowing what was dangerous helped our ancestors to survive. Psychologically speaking, sensing the threat set into motion a variety of defenses that enabled our ancestors to move through the emotional experience of danger.

We still rely on this wiring today. When we see the angry boss coming or view a threatening situation, our defensive strategies are activated. If danger can be seen, we can respond.

But, sadly, there are many times that we don't see the danger coming. Our visual scanning doesn't pick up the angry face because it is masked. We don't see the dangerous person that lingers underneath the non-threatening face. We are simply not wired for that.

The best we can do when we are confronted with a wolf in sheep's clothing is to get out of harm's way as fast as possible - with no self-blame or self-reproach.

Now, back to this angry face...I wonder what made this little baby so mad?



Reference
Williams, M. & Mattingley, J.B. (2006) Do angry men get noticed? Current Biology, 16, R402-R404.

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The Black-and-White Of Low Self-Esteem

People who see their relationships as either all good or all bad tend to have low self-esteem, according to a series of seven studies by Yale researchers published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology .

The findings suggest that those who had low self esteem found it hard to think of their partners as a mix of positive and negative characteristics at a given point in time. Those with higher self-esteem were able to hold onto both the good and bad aspects of their partner and see them in the gray, instead of in black-and-white.

Researcher Dr. Margaret Clark says, " In good times, those low in self-esteem tend to idealize partners, rendering those partners safe for approach and likely to reflect positively upon them. At the first sign of a partner not being perfect, however, they switch to focusing on all possible negatives about the partner so as to justify withdrawing from that partner and not risking vulnerability."

Low self-esteem can have other devastating consequences.

* It can create anxiety, stress, loneliness and increased likelihood for depression.

* It can cause problems with friendships and relationships.

* It can seriously impair academic and job performance.

* It can lead to underachievement and increased vulnerability to many self destructive behaviors.

* Worst of all, these negative consequences themselves reinforce the negative self-image and can take a person into a downward spiral of lower and lower self-esteem.


The Good News

The good news is that though self-esteem is largely developed during childhood, it can be increased and strengthened. According to the University of Texas at Austin Counseling Center, three steps can help you get there.

Step 1: Rebut the Inner Critic: Challenge the negative messages of your critical inner voice. This means that you have to counter your negative self-thinking with positive mantras.

Step 2: Practice Self-Nurturing: Healthy self-esteem begins when you treat yourself as a worthwhile person. Start to challenge past negative experiences or messages by nurturing and caring for yourself in ways that show that you are valuable, competent, deserving and lovable.

Step 3: Get Help from Others: This can be the hardest step. People with low self-esteem often don't ask for help because they feel they don't deserve it. But since low self-esteem is often caused by how other people treated you in the past, you may need the help of other people in the present to challenge the critical messages that come from negative past experiences. Find good role models, healthy loving people with whom you can share your time, thoughts and experiences.

Viewing yourself, your partner or the world in black-and-white short-changes everything. Life should be filled with a palette of colors.



References

Clark, M. & Graham, S. (2006) Self-esteem and organization of valenced information about others: The jekyll and hyde-ing of relationship partners. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 90(4): 652-665.

Univeristy Texas: Self Esteem

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Money Can't Buy Happiness - Or So Research Says

Dr. Arthur Stone, Psychologist and Researcher at The State University at Stony Brook, has discovered what philosophers have long known: Money doesn't make people happier.

In a study that appears in this month's Science , Dr. Stone along with researchers at Princeton University, the University of Michigan and the University of California in San Diego, explored the relationship between money and happiness.

"It's mostly illusory," Stone said. "When you look at people's actual experience, the rich are not happier than others. And if they are, it has little to do with the money they have."

I don't know if I completely agree.
I think that money can help lighten aspects of strain and anguish, poverty and despair. In turn, wouldn't that bring a sense of relief and joy? Maybe I am being too semantic about this.

What do you think?



References
Newsday
Stone, A. (2006) Would You Be Happier If You Were Richer

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Depression and Your Heart

"A broken heart"
"Oh, this is such heartache"
"Follow your heart"
"That's a heartfelt thought"

Maybe you've used them to describe how you feel - - or perhaps you've heard such phrases from other people. Either way, the heart is more than an life sustaining organ. It is a symbol of feelings and thoughts too.

And a new study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) shows that depression is more common among patients with heart ailments.

In fact, over at A Hearty Life you can read statistics like this:

1 in 20 people in the general population has depression.

1 in 5 patients with coronary heart disease has depression.

1 in 3 patients with congestive heart failure has depression.

And as many as half of all people hospitalized for surgery or other procedures to treat blocked heart arteries develop depression.


Unfortunately, despite its prevalence, depression continues to be underdiagnosed and undertreated by primary care physicians, cardiologists, and other specialists. But knowledge is power, so pass this on to someone you know, and let's kick depression outta here.



Hat Tip: Dr. Hsien-Hsien Lei at A Hearty Life

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