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I Am Mind...



You Are Mind



If you dream it, then you can do it. You are very mentally sharp and strong. You enjoy challenging yourself both at work and with studies. You love mastering difficult tasks. You thrive in new environments, even stressful ones. You are able to study everything objectively. You have a upbeat attitude, and won't be deterred easily. You are open minded and optimistic about the future.


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My Grace is Sufficient for You

For years I viewed God’s grace as being when God grants unmerited favour to those who do not deserve it, or specifically, when God grants the gift of salvation to undeserving sinners.

Ephesians 2:8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.

Below are the lyrics of a song that I sang to the Lord countless times during my private praise and worship times:

Your grace is sufficient for me, and I’m loving You, more and more.
Your face is all I want to see, and I’m loving You, more and more.
When I behold You in the word, I learn to walk in victory,
I know that when I’m weak You’ll make me strong.
If I’m about to fall, I know your hands are always there.
Jesus, I love You more and more.

By Ps Tom Rawls, Gary Houston, 1986?
(Note, the chord charts for this song is at the bottom of this post.)

When I went on an eight-day missionary orientation trip to Thailand in late 1989, one of my fondest memories was of playing this song on the piano in a Bangkok Bible college.

The song is inspired by 2 Cor 12:8-9 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you.”

When I became severely depressed at the end of 1989, I found that when I sang this song, my exhausted, nervously ill mind completely misunderstood what 2 Cor 12:8-10 teaches. Unable to reason, I thought that this verse was God saying to me, “My unmerited favour, specifically your salvation, is all you need to get through this.” To this I responded disappointedly, “No, it is not enough! This suffering I am going through defies comprehension, I need more than that to get through this living nightmare! I need Your help, Your strength, Your healing!” But I truly feared that these things were not coming. (Little did I realise at the time that He had been strengthening me throughout the ordeal.)

However, I eventually learnt that God’s grace is far more than granting the gift of salvation to undeserving sinners. Let us have a look at the rest of 2 Cor 12:8-10 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Now in reading this, perhaps we are wondering, what has Christ’s power, or strength, got to do with grace? The answer is that it has everything to do with God’s grace. Let us take a journey through God’s word, and we will see what God’s grace actually gives us. I was surprised when I learnt this.

It is from His grace that God pours His blessings upon us. John 1:16 From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another.

It is through His grace that Christ gives us His divine power and strength to deal with any trial, and His strength is SO much better than our own! This is how the Amplified Bible presents 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!

So for the sake of Christ, I am well pleased and take pleasure in infirmities, insults, hardships, persecutions, perplexities and distresses; for when I am weak [in human strength], then am I [truly] strong (able, powerful in divine strength).



Also, grace is not something we receive just the once when we receive His gift of salvation, it is available in abundance! Romans 5:17 For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God's abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ.

More proof of the boundless abundance of God’s grace is seen in Ephesians 1:7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace. Also in 1 Timothy 1:14 The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

We receive Christ’s eternal riches from His grace. 2 Corinthians 8:9 For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich.

In fact, everything we need to succeed in our walk with Christ and do good works comes from God’s grace. 2 Corinthians 9:8 And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

Now I understood why Jesus told Paul, “My grace is sufficient for you.” Because Christ’s grace is the vehicle by which He gives us whatever we need to get through that trial, to resist a temptation, to overcome an obstacle. When we are weak, He gives us His power, when we are poor He gives us riches. ‘You then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.’ 2 Timothy 2:1. Through His grace He also gives us salvation, favour, loving-kindness, mercy and all of His blessings.

While in the pits of depression, we fear the suffering will never end.

From my diary, 12th April 1990 –
I keep seeing this going on forever,
I can see two years gone by, and I’ve still go no peace,
It is like insomnia. When the sun comes up,
And you’re still awake, you realise you’ve been robbed.


But I was wrong - my fears were unfounded - I did recover from depression. God’s word is true when it says in 1 Peter 5:10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

All verses from NIV unless noted otherwise.


Chord charts and lyrics for 'Your Grace is Sufficient for Me.'
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Letting Go of Past Hurts

Past emotional, mental or physical abuse, or being deeply hurt or mistreated by a friend or an enemy, are common causes of depression. I have had my share of such experiences. Bitterness, anger and unforgiveness are typical responses to such injustices suffered, but as these reactions hinder our walk with Christ, the Bible gives us ample instructions on how to overcome them.

Let me also mention here that in many of the above cases, especially where abuse is involved, getting help from a trained Christian counsellor or a professional health care worker is very highly recommended if not absolutely necessary.


Keep No Record of Wrongs

Isaiah 43:18-19
"Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland.”


This passage provides a vivid description of a life damaged by past hurts – a life that has become a wasteland, a desert. Dwelling upon a record of wrongs weighs us down and heavily burdens us. But the Lord’s instructions to forget those former things and not dwell on them, comes with a beautiful promise. Letting them go releases streams of living water into our life and enables God to do a new work in us.

One of the greatest new works Christ does in our lives is to bring us to a place where we can forgive those who have hurt us. This is such an important aspect of our daily Christian walk that Jesus included it as part of the Lord’s prayer. Luke 11:4 “Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us.”

Instead of dwelling on past hurts, we can let go of those memories and forgive the person that hurt us. Although we cannot make ourselves forget the memories, if we stop clinging to them the painful associations will fade significantly.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-5 ‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.’




“But it is Part of Who I am…”

One reason I had trouble letting go of past hurts was because they had become part of my identity. “I am this way because of how that person mistreated me,” was an excuse I believed. I feared that if I let go of the anger and record of wrongs and forgave the person who had hurt me, I would lose a part of myself, part of my very individuality.

However, Jesus taught me that such fears were unfounded, that I did not have to hold onto past hurts in order to maintain my identity. He showed me that there was another option - to allow His love and forgiveness to flow from me towards the person who hurt me. And when I did this, instead of anger and the record of past wrongs being part of who I was, Christ’s love and forgiveness became part of my identity.

If someone were to meet me and hear my testimony now, they would not hear me say, “I am this way because of how that person mistreated me.” Instead, they would see that I have forgiven the person who wounded me, and in fact love them dearly with the love of Christ. If they were to ask me how this could be so, I would answer, “I am this way because of Christ’s work of love and forgiveness in my life.”

When we let Christ's love and forgiveness become part of who we are, we change and become more like Christ. And is that not our goal, to become more like Him? 'It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.' Galatians 2:20 (NLT)

As we learn to surrender our lives to Christ, He can give us such a powerful revelation of His love for us that we can view others through His loving gaze rather than through our own eyes. I have experienced this very powerfully in my life.

Let us be like Stephen, whose attitude towards those who unjustly stoned him to death was: ‘While they were stoning him, Stephen prayed, "Lord Jesus, receive my spirit." Then he fell on his knees and cried out, "Lord, do not hold this sin against them." When he had said this, he fell asleep.’ Luke 7:59-60

What a wonderful testimony this is to the power of God’s love. When others see us forgive - even love - those who have hurt us, they see the power of God’s kingdom in action, and their lives are changed too. I have heard of many cases of abusive prison wardens in Soviet countries coming to Christ after witnessing the unconditional love and forgiveness of their captives.


Harbouring Unforgiveness Hurts Ourselves

If we have been deeply hurt by someone in the past, we earnestly desire to flee that pain and be set free from the wounds. A thought that I would like us to bear in mind is that by consciously or unconsciously harbouring anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness towards that person, we unwittingly participate in keeping those wounds fresh and unable to heal. That is one reason that Jesus spoke so often of the importance of forgiving those who have wronged us. By not forgiving them, we hurt ourselves even further.


To Forgive Others, Reflect On How Much God Has Forgiven Us

The most liberating Biblical truth that helps us to forgive those who have treated us unjustly is to recognise the depths to which God has forgiven us.

Why does the Bible say, “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you,” Matthew 6:14? It is because for us to refuse to forgive others after God has forgiven our massive debts towards Him, shows a lack of appreciation of how much God has forgiven us.

We all know of the parable in Matthew 18:21-35, where a servant who owed millions of dollars to a king, had that debt cancelled when he asked for mercy. The servant then went on to throw a fellow servant that owed him a few dollars into prison, because he had not paused to reflect on the mercy the king had extended towards him.

This is the key to forgiving others, as Selwyn Hughes writes: ‘I would not judge you or condemn you if you said: “I can never forgive that person for what he (or she) did to me.” But what I would say to you is this: the more you reflect on the wonder of how much you have been forgiven the easier it will be to forgive even the worst sins that have been committed against you.’ (1)

So, regardless of how much we have been hurt by others, let us forgive them. If God forgives us of our numerous sins towards Him, we can forgive others of their (comparatively) lesser sins towards us.

And then we will be sons and daughters of God, revealing His nature to a hurting world, as it shows us in Luke 6:35-36 “But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High…Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”


(1) Every Day with Jesus, Monday 18th Feb, Selwyn Hughes, CWR, Jan/Feb 2002.

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All verses from NIV unless noted otherwise.


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    Dealing with Panic Attacks

    What is a Panic Attack?

    A panic attack (also known as an anxiety attack) is a relatively brief episode of intense fear that comes on suddenly, where the person is both terrified of the physical symptoms that are afflicting them as well as by the associated fears that either triggered or accompanied the attack.

    A panic attack typically lasts for at least ten minutes but can stretch on for much longer, even hours or days if cyclic in nature. Cyclic panic attacks are where a person is subject to a continuous cycle of attack after attack, with a new attack triggering even as the previous one is fading away.

    The fears associated with a panic attack are strongest when the attack begins. These fears demand our attention, yet the more attention we give them – the more we fear them - the greater they become. Fighting, arguing with, fearing or trying to flee the panic attack and its disturbing symptoms causes negative adrenalin to flood our being. This in turn causes even greater anxiety and even more disturbing sensations to afflict us during the attack.

    In my case, a typical panic attack included an increased heart rate, flushed face, increased temperature, shortness of breath, chest feeling constricted, a complete lack of peace, and an intense churning/discomfort in the stomach. These physical symptoms were accompanied by a terrifying fear that was so vivid and threatening that I would often ‘scream’ in my mind. (Many sufferers wail or scream quite loudly during an attack.)


    What triggers panic attacks?

    A panic attack can be triggered by an extremely stressful or fearful situation, or even by an exceptionally terrifying fearful thought. Subsequent exposure to the same situation or fearful thought could trigger further attacks. Being afraid that another attack may come increases the likelihood of them striking again.

    The stress of trying to making an important life decision can also trigger a panic attack. (See below for how this can affect Christians in particular.)

    Panic attacks can even trigger without a cause, however, in these cases, the mind typically searches for a reason for the attack, and may latch onto a fear which then becomes the associated fear for that attack. It is typical for the mind to latch onto a fear that has terrified the person in the past.

    A mind prone to anxiety is the perfect seedbed in which a panic attack can take root and flourish. Some people by nature have a sensitive nervous system, which can be due to past or recent traumas or even due to genetic inheritance. However, those suffering from depression are especially susceptible to panic attacks as their minds are locked in a state of constant anxiety.

    1 Peter 5:8 is a perfect description of how panic attacks operate. 'Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.’  Although Satan has been defeated by Christ’s victory on the cross, he masquerades as a roaring lion and tricks people into believing that panic attacks have real power and can devour them, when in fact they have no power at all.


    Dealing with Panic Attacks

    In late July, 1990, I read ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ by Dr Claire Weekes, which taught me all about the ‘fear-adrenalin-fear cycle,’ (1) and how the more we fear, flee or fight panic attacks, the worse we become as the additional adrenalin produced prolongs symptoms and produces more disturbing physical, mental, emotional and spiritual sensations. It is a very vicious cycle.

    To recover from panic attacks we need to break this cycle.

    This is how I learnt to break the panic attack cycle:

    1. do not fear panic attacks – let them come,
    2. when an attack comes, do not flee it, fight or fear it, nor debate or argue with its associated fears, instead, just accept it for the time being,
    3. let time pass while reminding ourselves that the panic attack’s intensity will fade as we do so. (2) (3)

    (If you would like to read the Bible verses to deal with panic attacks, ie, that illustrate the above technique, please read this post, Breaking Depression's Fear Cycle.)


    After I read ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ whenever a panic attack hit me, I said to myself: “Peter, you're having a panic attack. Don't fight it or fear it, just accept it, and learn to live with it, don't debate it and argue with it, and let time pass, and it will fade.”

    To my amazement, the above technique worked, as it broke the fear-adrenalin-fear cycle. First the intensity of the attacks reduced, then their frequency grew less, and finally I found that in most cases, I was able to nip the attack in the bud before it could take off.

    Another thing that can help when afflicted by an annoying re-occurring panic attack is to share the panic attack topic or fear with a wise Christian friend, so that we can get a fresh, healthier perspective on the issue. Although a fearful thought may seem larger than life to us, our friend will see right through it. In this case, trust their perspective, not our own fearful one. (A word of caution, it is not wise to continually run these fears past our friends, as this will not only drive them crazy, but in time we need to learn how to find a fresh perspective ourselves from prayer and Bible study.)

    Another small note: if you suffer from panic attacks and you simply cannot put into practice the steps I have outlined above, I recommend seeing a doctor. If the doctor recommends anti-depressants and professional counselling, consider the advice carefully. Anti-depressants dull the effects of depression and panic attacks and this is a huge help in overcoming them. (See my entry, Depression, Christians, and Anti-Depressant Medication.)

    2 Timothy 1:7 ‘For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control.’ (Amplified Bible)


    Panic Attacks and Christians

    Unfortunately, for some Christians, a panic attack caused by the fear of making the wrong life choice has another insidious dimension to it. Since they cannot control it or make it stop, and because it is accompanied by a distinct lack of peace, they erroneously misinterpret the panic attack as God guiding them. A common expression not found in the Bible is, “Let the peace of God guide you.” It embarrasses me to admit that for many years I thought panic attacks were God guiding me.

    Mistaking panic attacks as being God’s guidance actually makes the panic attacks worse, as such Christians in their eagerness to obey God are (unnecessarily) terrified of disobeying Him. A verse which used to torment me when I resisted and fought against a panic attack was 1 Samuel 15:22 “Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD. To obey is better than sacrifice.” As I drew closer to depression as 1989 wore on, I had an attack and lost my peace every time I was faced with a major decision. Every time I tried to take a step forward, an attack (which I misinterpreted as God’s guidance) would send me reeling two steps backwards. In the end, I was too scared to make decisions any more. 18/2/1990 – 'I’m scared to commit to anything, such as joining a new church, getting a girlfriend, buying a computer, etc, in case He says no. It’s got to the point that I won’t do anything in case God says no.'

    Can you imagine the relief I felt when I discovered that panic attacks were not God’s guidance, and that ignoring them was not disobeying Him?

    The most bewildering aspect of mistaking panic attacks as God guiding us is trying to work out exactly what God is trying to say (since He is not actually saying anything). When severely depressed I was frequently afflicted by cyclic panic attacks over a period of months. These were associated with a large range of fears, most telling me that I was supposed to be doing this or that. Here is a diary entry showing the exasperation I felt at that time.

    15/3/1990 – I feel like saying, “What sort of God are You to do this to someone, and why don’t You speak clearly? All You have to do is speak to me or give me a vision, etc, and I’ll obey, but what is this ‘Guess what I’m saying with the hit and miss affair [when I take away your peace to guide you.]’ ”

    Before I became depressed, one thing that reinforced my belief that losing my peace due to a panic attack was God’s voice, was that every time I gave into the panic attack fear, the attack ended and my peace returned immediately. For example, once I was about to leave my job, enter part time ministry and look for a part time job. The massive panic attack which followed ceased as soon as I decided to turn down the offer for part time ministry and remain at my job.

    However, when I became clinically depressed, giving into a panic attack and doing what it appeared to be 'saying' no longer stopped the attack. The attack just kept coming back, normally by switching immediately to another fearful thought, or topic. This was because while suffering from depression, we are in a state of constant anxiety. This was when I got my first real clue that the attacks and the lack of peace were not God’s attempt to guide me, but something else. Being convinced of this was another matter entirely.

    “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32

    Finally in April 1990 I saw a Christian counsellor. She told me that I was suffering from depression, and assured me that the panic attacks and lack of peace were NOT God attempting to guide me. She said that I had been placing my trust in following a lack of peace as guidance – “It’s always worked before” – instead of in Him. Through her counselling, prayer and Bible study, the Lord taught me the following truths, which set me free from the erroneous belief that panic attacks were God guiding me.

    Isaiah 9:6 ‘For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.’ Jesus is the Prince of Peace, not the Prince of a lack of peace.

    John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” It does not say “My lack of peace I give to guide you.”

    John 14:1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.”

    So if the Bible does not say, “Let the peace of God guide you,” what then does it say should guide us?

    Psalm 119:105 ‘Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.’

    Proverbs 3:6 ‘in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.’

    James 1:5 ‘If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.’

    In conclusion, we need to make our life decisions prayerfully, with wisdom based on God’s Word, and we need to do so while dwelling in His peace with an untroubled heart.

    A small footnote here. Our heart can of course be troubled without suffering a panic attack – our heart can be troubled by a great number of things. For example we may have agreed to take on one too many jobs, causing such stress that we cannot relax or sleep properly. To reduce our workload here would be the wise choice. This is a case of noting the warning signs of our mind and body and taking appropriate action.

    If we are feeling pressured, rushed, or stressed out by any circumstances, we need to step back, meditate upon God's Word, pray and seek His guidance. In such times, we need to wait upon Jesus to receive His rest for our soul. Matthew 11:28. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

    Now although I was relieved to know that the panic attacks were not God guiding me, the attacks continued relentlessly and with almost as much power. My nervous system was still exhausted, and I was still reacting to the attacks in the wrong way - by fighting and fearing them. Freedom from the panic attacks came when I read “Self Help for Your Nerves,” as I mentioned above.


    (1) ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ Doctor Claire Weekes, Angus & Robertston Publishers, 1989, p10.
    (2) These steps inspired by ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ Doctor Claire Weekes, Angus & Robertston Publishers, 1989, pp19,33-34
    (3) These steps are a practical applicatin of Bible verses Philippians 4:12-13, John 14:1, James 1:2-3.
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    Be Good To Your Brain. It's Brain Awareness Week


    I'm a big fan of my Brain.

    It's such a totally cool organ. Without it, I couldn't do anything, really.

    No doubt that you probably feel the same way.

    Brain health is vital to our mental and physical well-being. And as time marches on, exciting research and technologies will bring us even greater understanding of how our Brains work and offer insight into illness and disease.

    So, now that you know it's Brain Awareness Week, go out and celebrate your Brain. I'm going to attempt some super difficult crosswords puzzles. Make sure I eat green leafy vegetables. Take my Brain for a longer walk than usual. And get a manicure. Hey, I daydream when I get one, so I am totally working out the ol' bean!

    For more Brain tips go here and here.



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    Friday Fiction - This Is Not The End


    Welcome to Friday Fiction!

    I'm so glad you stopped by.

    This week's host is Rhonda at Beach Reads.

    She'd love you to click on over and read some awesome short stories.

    * * * * *

    I have spent several hours this week working on my next post – overcoming panic attacks. However, as the article is still hours from completion, I thought I would share something different this week, by partaking in the wonderful ‘Friday Fiction’ run by Patty Wysong, at http://pattywysong.blogspot.com/

    The story below, This Is Not The End is fiction, however, there is a story behind it. In 1996 our first child was lost due to an ectopic pregnancy. If you would like to read a testimony of our response to this tragedy, and of how the Lord went on to bless us with two healthy children, please click here

    For years after the loss of our first little one, (whom we named Sakura) whenever my thoughts turned towards Sakura, I would hold my breath to choke back the tears as I comtemplated our loss. In October 2007 I sat down and wrote a fictional story about a couple who lost a child. As I wrote this story, Jesus touched my heart and healed me of that wound. Now when I think of Sakura, well, when you get to the end of the story below you will see how my thoughts have changed…


    This Is Not the End

    “Nurse, can I hold him please?” Richard Shepherd asked hesitantly.

    The portly midwife frowned but did not move.

    “Please. This is very important to me,” he added more forcefully. This was his life, not hers, and he would not be denied. He did not care if his request broke all conventions.

    The nurse glanced at the doctor, who shrugged nonchalantly.

    The midwife reluctantly placed the man’s tiny, three-kilo son in his large hands. He drew the baby to his chest, cradling the small head in his left hand.

    The man stared at his son, mesmerised. The innocent little face had his mother’s brown eyes and button nose. But tears sprang into the man’s eyes when he noticed the delicate little ears and thatch of thick black hair. Though the baby’s face was uniquely his own, it was still so similar to that of his sister when she was newborn that it would have been hard to tell them apart.

    As the man studied his son’s perfectly formed face his mind wandered. He envisioned the little fellow wrapped in a blanket and lying in his cradle, wearing the new blue jumpsuit they had bought for him last week. The man saw himself standing next to the cradle, savouring the moment that had taken nine months to come to fruition.

    Then the vision changed and the father saw his son lying on the floor. His arms and legs were going in all directions as he batted away toys dangling from the infant playgym that even now awaited him at home. The baby smiled and giggled in delight when he saw his father watching him.

    Then the man saw his son crawling across the dining room floor. But the little boy was not crawling slowly. Instead, he had developed what Richard had dubbed ‘speed crawling’ – it was the next best thing to running. His daughter had developed this talent by the age of eight months so he could see his son developing the same ability. Next the boy found a plastic golf club and swatted a toy golf ball all over the room. No obstacle could check his progress - that ball had to be whacked!

    Richard returned his attention to the present and ran his fingers through the baby’s thick black hair. He knew he should be envious of his son’s full head of hair, yet he felt only loss. This sense of loss was further amplified by the realisation that his little son’s skin was, even at birth, darker than his pale Anglo-Saxon complexion.

    The man felt his mind stray again. He visualised his son as an active one year old and taking his first steps across the living room. Kneeling in front of him with outstretched arms, the man egged him on. “Come on, little fella! Come to Papa!” Somehow the toddler managed to stagger across to his father without falling, who immediately tossed him giggling into the air.

    The scene changed and it was the first day of school. Although he cut a fine figure in his new school uniform, his son also looked as he though had escaped from the pages of a comic book, due to the school bag on his back that was larger than his torso. He was tall now, yet smaller than other boys his age were, due to his petite Asian mother.

    Months fled by in the man’s mind and he found himself watching his boy participating in the school sports carnival. It was time for the fifty-meter sprint. The boy met his father’s gaze and said, “I have a secret that’s gonna win me this race, Papa! When I swing my arms at my side like this, I can run faster than the wind!” And sure enough, once the whistle sounded he pumped his arms and legs like twin pairs of pistons and outstripped all of his classmates to win that first place ribbon. The father imagined his daughter, now in her early teens, sweeping her brother into her arms.

    A voice shattered his reverie. “Mr Shepherd, I am sorry, but you need to pass him to me now.”

    Angered at this invasion of his daydream, Richard’s eyes eventually registered the outstretched arms of the midwife. He looked down at the motionless form in his arms, his heart and mind buffeted by waves of shock. Only yesterday the baby had been so active in the womb, elbows and knees poking his small wife’s midriff almost painfully. Yet today, (Richard could barely find strength to finish the thought) today, his son made his arrival into the world stillborn.


    Richard Shepherd placed the still, lifeless form of his son in the midwife’s hands, and forcing himself to his feet, moved over to stand beside his wife as she lay on the hospital bed. It had been a very difficult birth, and she was exhausted. He looked for words to encourage her, mindful that her loss outweighed his own, but found nothing. His heart was an empty, aching void. A depression thicker than a smothering woollen blanket prevented speech.

    Aware of tears streaming down his cheeks, Richard met his wife’s gaze. To his surprise she lifted a bronzed hand to cup his face. “Darling,” she began, “this is not the end.”

    “What do you mean?”

    Somehow she managed a smile, “One day, you will stand before the Lord in heaven, and He will say to you, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant,’ and then He will take your right hand and say, ‘Come with me, Richard, there is someone here you’ve been waiting to meet.’ Then He will introduce you to a young man with auburn hair, a button nose, and a face that reminds you of our daughter. Our son.”

    Richard buried his face in her neck and fought back the tears. But her words he took and hid in his heart.

    This was not the end.

    He would see his son again.


    1 Corinthians 15:55 "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" (NIV)
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    Virtual Art Therapy


    There is no doubt that the creative process can be a meaningful experience. Expressive Therapies, for example, believe that one can emotionally heal through use of imagination and creative expression.

    Art Therapy is but one type of Expressive Therapy. And Art.com offers a way for you to experience painting. Check out their artpad and paint your own virtual work of art.

    I just painted this picture, which captures my feelings about the stormy rainy morning that's outside my window.


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    Verdict: Not Guilty

    In ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ Dr Claire Weekes writes, Guilt can be a nightmare to some people suffering with nervous breakdown, particularly to those trying to set a high standard for themselves, such as religious people who lead a dedicated life. (1) (Note that clinical depression is called a nervous breakdown merely because during depression, our nervous system has broken down.)

    While suffering from depression I suffered terribly from guilt, in fact, I found it one of depression’s most disturbing aspects. But from counselling, prayer, God’s Word, and through the liberating work of Jesus, I was eventually set free from it. In this post, I will examine several aspects of guilt during depression.


    Ruminating Over Past Sins

    When suffering from depression it is quite common to develop a habit of casting our gaze back to painful memories of recent or past sins and failures.

    And since our mind is in an oversensitive, anxious state, we relive those memories with painful intensity. As guilt rises up to consume us, our face becomes hot, we lament and grieve over the past event, and wish we could go back in time and relive that part of our life and do it properly this time. These extremely discouraging episodes can last for hours.

    However, there is good news for those who believe in Jesus and follow Him as Lord - we have assurance that our sins will be forgiven when we confess them. So if we recall a past or recent sin, we can confess that sin to God and receive His complete forgiveness.

    1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

    Note that while we only need to confess a sin to God once, it is typical while depressed to keep confessing the same sin again and again, because the feeling of guilt remains. If this happens, we just need to keep reminding ourselves that we have already confessed the sin, it is forgiven, and we do not need to look at it, confess it, or feel guilty over it any longer. If the feelings of guilt remain, it is nothing to be alarmed about - our nervous system is exhausted and needs time to recover.

    Here are more Bible verses that assure us of the forgiveness of our sins.

    1 John 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. Jesus’ blood, which He shed on the cross, does not just cover our sins - it cleanses us of them completely.

    What is God’s attitude to our sins, once they have been forgiven? Does He keep tabs on them? No, this is what He does with them: You will hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea. Micah 7:19 Jeremiah 31:34 goes on to tell us, "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."

    So if God Himself chooses to forget our sins, who are we to keep dragging them up time and time again?

    Satan will try to convince us that we are still guilty, but Romans 8:1 tells us the truth. Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

    Another verse which comforted me greatly is 2 Corinthians 5:21 God made Jesus, who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Jesus we might become the righteousness of God. This means that when God looks at us, He does not see our old, sinful nature and problems. Instead, He sees the purity and righteousness of Jesus clothing us instead.

    While digging through my diary yesterday, I found an entry that I wrote during the ‘recovering from depression’ phase of my life.

    24/6/92 - When I sin I often feel really unworthy, although I always say sorry to God. I feel guilty and unworthy to go before Jesus, as though He is displeased with me. But yesterday He showed me that He wants to have a relationship with me above all else, and He wants that relationship to be in harmony at all times. When I sin and say sorry, that's all He expects. He wants me to say sorry so that the harmony can be restored to our relationship. That's why He died on the cross, so that mankind could again fellowship with Him and the Father and Holy Spirit, like when Adam and Eve fellowshipped with Him in the Garden of Eden before they sinned. Jesus has atoned for my sins so that I can have a harmonious relationship with Him at all times.

    (A postscript here. If there is an issue of habitual sin in your life, and you are having trouble stopping it, please see a pastor or counsellor and get the sin dealt with. This will require repentance, ie, turning our back on the sin, and may also require counselling, inner healing, or spiritual warfare, and needs to centre on the cross of Christ.)


    I’m Not Doing Enough for God

    Another common cause for feeling guilty while depressed is when we look back at what we used to be like - zealously serving the Lord - and feel guilty that we are not serving God to that degree now. I recall how painful it could be going to church while I was in this phase. The pastor often gave stirring, convicting sermons on the importance of using our gifts to serve God. These sermons were actually aimed at healthy Christians in the church that warmed a pew on Sunday, but took no further steps in using their gifts to serve God. So, although the pastor was not talking to me, in my anxious I feared the sermons were aimed squarely at me and felt so guilty for my lack of current activity.

    One day that same pastor asked me how I was going. When I told him briefly my condition, he surprised me by telling me to rest and recover – which was exactly what I needed to do. I needed to have realistic expectations, recognise that I was ill, and as with all illnesses, needed time to recover from it. This does not mean that we cannot serve God while depressed. During the initial phase of depression, I was such a mess that I honestly could not do anything much at all. However, once I had been placed on anti-depressants, received counselling, and read ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ I soon improved sufficiently to start serving God again. But I started slowly. First I joined a home group and played the piano. A few months later I taught Sunday school – and this is all I did for around four years. Finally, when I recovered completely, I was able to become more involved in serving God. So we have to be patient with ourselves. God knows we are ill, and He does not expect us to do more than we are able.

    From my diary, 28/9/91 - It's funny, here I am, trying to live a normal life, yet I am suffering from a mental illness - me, the guy that nothing ever happened to, or never would happen to. And I feel kind of guilty, or ashamed, that I am this way. But it is not my fault - and there's nothing I can do about it. So I should not feel guilty or a failure - it is just one more thing for me to overcome through Jesus, one more victory to win.

    Note that we do not have to run around looking for ways to serve God - we only have to do what He gives us to do. Ephesians 2:10 For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. How do we know which works God has prepared for us to do, rather than burning ourselves out running around trying to meet the needs of all people everywhere? We keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, be sensitive to the gentle promptings of the Holy Spirit, pray, and be aware of what is going on around us. He will show us what to do.


    I’ve Stepped Outside of God’s Will

    While suffering from depression I was petrified that I had stepped outside of God’s will and that His response was to punish my by taking away my peace. In other words, I feared that He had caused the depression in order to punish me, which of course resulted in deep-seated guilt.

    My counsellor taught me that I could not step outside God’s will, for He is greater than my ability to do such a thing. She taught me to pray, “What ever Your will is for my life, Lord, please bring it about - even without my obedience or cooperation. You are God; You are greater than me or the circumstances, so You are able to bring about Your will regardless.”

    The following verse was crucial in setting me free from the deceitful fear that God was punishing me.

    1 John 4:18 ‘There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.’

    I wrote a diary entry when God drove this truth home into my heart. I learned a couple of weeks ago about 1 John 4:18 where it says the love of God has no fear - it says that there is no fear of punishment from God. So all of my fears that God was about to smash me over the head with a brick for stepping out of line were rubbish.


    Getting Angry with God

    The below diary entry shows common reactions we can have towards God during the initial stages of depression, when everything seems hopeless and black. Knowing that we should trust Him and not blaming Him results in more feelings of guilt.

    8/2/90 –
    I grow tired of repenting.
    I tried to praise You in and through and for it,
    I tried not to grumble, not to get bitter.
    But I failed.
    I’ve lost my temper with You,
    I’ve blamed You.
    How could You let this happen to me?
    I feel so dirty, so unclean, because of the anger I have towards You.


    My previous blog post, Has God Abandoned Me? deals with this issue in detail, so if you have not read it, I recommend popping over there when you get a chance.


    Spiritual Warfare

    A small postscript, if I may. If the feelings of guilt do not diminish over time, I recommend seeing a pastor or a Christian counsellor, as there may be a work of the enemy involved such as an unclean spirit of guilt. If such a thing is revealed by the Holy Spirit, the pastor or counsellor can take authority over that work of the enemy, break its grip on our life, and cast it away from us.

    Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

    Matthew 16:19 “I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven." (Heaven in this passage refers to the spiritual realm where the enemy lives.)


    The Judge’s Verdict

    For those who are in Christ Jesus, the Judge in heaven has issued His verdict over our lives – and that verdict is: not guilty.


    (1) ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ Doctor Claire Weekes, Angus & Robertston Publishers, 1989, p86.

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    Perseverance & Success


    I believe that persistence is key in reaching any goal. I'm not always successful in things that I set out to do, but I can say that I always give it a high-octane, no-holds-barred, kick-butt try.


    Tips:

    1. Identify your goal. Define it and make it real. Whether you write it down or share your goals aloud, affirming it gets the ball rolling.

    2. Start visualizing. Use your mind's eye to visualize how your dream would unfold. What do you need to get to your goal? How would the present and future look if you reach your goal?

    3. Research your dream. Take the time to look into what it takes to reach your goal so as hold a realistic expectation as you persevere.

    4. Choose positive support systems. Find people who will cheer you on and encourage you as you go. Stay away from nay-sayers. Their buzz kill will limit your stride and self-esteem.

    5. Choose productive behaviors. Leave room for productive days and unproductive ones. Find inspirational quotes and use self-encouraging statements to nudge you along the climb.

    6. Recall your previous successes. Remember the challenges you met and matched to help you when the going gets tough.

    7. Don’t fear mistakes. For me, slips, gaffes and mistakes are necessary ingredients in the recipe for success. I expect them and view them as a way to better what it is that I'm doing. Not as a wall I've hit.

    8. Keep a healthy lifestyle. I know I write this all the time, but making sure you keep a healthy focus in your mind body and soul can help you in so many ways.

    9. Know when to let go. If you've persevered and haven't reached your goal, it's okay to set it aside. Whether you retire it indefinitely or move onto something else, know that you followed a dream and worked hard to almost make it happen.

    10. Celebrate. If you've reached your goal, make sure to celebrate it's achievement. Salute yourself and those who helped you along the way. It will encourage you to do more and inspire others to pursue their own dreams.

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    Coping With Chronic Illness

    Chronic Illness is a term used to describe persistent and enduring bouts of illness. These disorders can be of a medical and physical nature as well as mental. Anemia, Bipolar Disorder, Colitis, Depression, Eczema, & Fibromyalgia are just a few that begin the Chronic Illness alphabet. Though there are many more, they are too numerous to list here.

    Living with a chronic illness presents a myriad of issues. Most notably that both mind and body take the hit on a regular basis when an enduring illness presses on life. One's family, social and love life can be challenged as can work and school life. For tips on coping with Chronic Illness go to the American Psychological Association or visit Health Central for an interview I did a few weeks back.

    I know about Chronic Illness professionally as I've worked with many children and adults who've had to live with such conditions. And I know about this subject from a personal slant. Hypertension, Arthritis and Depression keep me company. But I've learned to manage them and their fallout pretty well. My chocolate addiction, however, needs much more work.

    How about you?

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    Addressing the Fear that we may have lost our Salvation

    Depression is a brutal illness that affects us physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Many Christians who suffer from depression are particularly distressed by the effect depression has upon the spiritual part of their lives. This may include feelings of guilt and condemnation, an inability to feel God’s presence or love, and an inability to take lasting comfort from reading God’s Word or prayer.

    Dr Weekes even mentions this in her book, “Self Help for Your Nerves.” Some nervously sick religious people complain of being unable to contact [connect with] their religion, like the mother who could not contact [connect with] her family. This is an added worry, especially when they find no solace in prayer. When they understand that they feel this way simply because their emotions are exhausted, they are greatly relieved. (1)

    One issue that some Christians suffering from depression struggle with is the fear that they have lost their salvation. Some also have obsessive fearful thoughts that they will go to hell. This is what I wrote in my diary on 20th July 1990:

    Experiences like the past eight months almost make you wonder,
    it makes me wonder if I am one of His children.


    WayneThomasBatson, a Christian author of five fantasy/adventure novels, shares:

    When I was in the midst of it, I didn't know what was going on. As a matter of fact, off and on for seven years prior to my worst experience, I'd had a series of "heart events." After every single cardio test out there: tilt table, EKG, Halter monitor, stress test, nuclear stress test, etc, nothing heart related came up.

    Stress, they told me. Little did I know that all along, it was anxiety attacks.

    And what you said about the enemy prowling around and then pouncing on us...that was so true. I remember laying in a hospital bed after the worst racing heart/anxiety attack, I was terrified I was going to hell. I just couldn't get the thought out of my mind. It was like all those stories you hear of old saints on their deathbed, just peacefully passing on, saying something wonderful like, "I'm going to be with my Jesus now." Except for me, there was no comfort at all. I thought it was all over...even in an eternal sense.

    Thing is, the word says neither angles nor demons, nor death or life, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God through Christ.



    Christians suffering from depression should not be surprised or worried by such fears, as the suffering and exhaustion caused by depression destroys our worldview - we look at everything through depression-coloured glasses. Everything looks bleak, including our perception of God and the things of His Kingdom.

    I have written previously about how important it is to obtain a fresh perspective on the things we fear. Therefore, I share below scriptures we can use to help us see the new perspective regarding the fear that we are no longer one of God’s children. Meditate on these scriptures, write them down, and reflect on them when the fears come flooding in.

    Salvation, or eternal life, is a free gift we receive from God when we believe in Jesus. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23.

    We need to remind ourselves that when we have repented of our sins and turned to God, God wipes them out of existence. 'Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord,' Acts 3:19.

    The Bible assures us of our salvation when we believe in Jesus, (which means we trust in, cling to, and rely upon Him), and believe He died on the cross to pay for our sins and rose from the dead three days later. That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. Romans 10:9 And "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16.

    When we believe in Jesus like this, we are born again, this time into God’s family. Jesus declared, "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again." John 3:3. Yet to all who received him [Jesus], to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God - children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God. John 1:12-13.

    Here is more assurance of our salvation. And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life. I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life. 1 John 5:11-13

    And as Wayne Thomas Batson shared above, nothing can separate us from Christ’s love. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

    Nothing can snatch us from Christ’s almighty hands. My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. John 10:27-29

    It does not matter if for the time being we cannot feel these truths if we are suffering from depression, what matters is that we believe them and stand on them, reminding ourselves that God is completely trustworthy and His promises and Word cannot be broken.

    "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock." Matthew 7:24

    (1) ‘Self Help for Your Nerves,’ Doctor Claire Weekes, Angus & Robertston Publishers, 1989, p146.

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