Denying Depression’s Return
As I mentioned in my previous post, it had never occurred to me that depression would return. So even when it was glaringly obvious that it had, rather than recognise or acknowledge this, and therefore take steps to deal with it, my initial reaction was to be perplexed and to live in denial of its return. Here are some extracts from some of my diary entries during that period that illustrate the denial and resulting confusion. The first diary entry is from the 13th of Sept ‘10. It was from this day and onwards that the symptoms of severe depression, or major depressive disorder, were clearly evident,
13.9.10 – This was Hell day, literally. I spent the day stuck in hellish panic attacks like the ones I had when I had severe depression back in 1990. My perspective was black, my view of everything completely distorted, my mind was stuck in churning fear/terror cycles all day. I hope I never have a day like this one again.
26.9.10 – Okay Jesus, I’ve got to admit being perplexed about this...It’s been weird because it [feeling very disturbed] has stopped every day (normally around early to mid afternoon) except that first Monday, but comes back every morning. When it stops I feel completely normal. And apart from that first Monday, my mind has mostlybeen OK. I have refused to submit to the fears, whatever they have been, and have resisted them and waited for the feeling of anxiety to go away. I mean, it is normal for me to have one or two panic attack/anxiety episodes a year, which lasts maybe 5 days and in one case, three weeks. But it always stops. This time, although I have (mostly) mental peace, my body just continues to manufacture negative adrenalin. Sometimes my stomach feels bad, or my chest does, or my face feels spiked, and overall everything feels very dark and beyond what I can cope with. Oh Lord, let me rest in You, take refuge in You.
18.10.10 – Well, I don’t know what is happening to me, but my nervous system is still malfunctioning. I don’t know why this is all happening...the amazing thing in all this is that I have not been fighting or fearing all of this, but just waiting on Jesus, trying to rest in Him, and waiting each day for it to stop. And today’s devotional had this wonderful verse: Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you ..." (v.3, NKJV)
(At the end of October I changed back to my old epilepsy medication, as I suspected that the new one may have been somehow contributing to what was happening. For one thing, everything seemed so heavy, so overwhelmingly black.)
3.11.10 – Here I am, making lists again.
I believe the primary cause of what I’m going through now is a combination of the following:
1. Was not eating properly for a few months due to throat problems, and lost 6kgs
2. Add to that getting sick repeatedly throughout winter, perhaps seven illnesses in a row
3. As a result of getting sick so many times, did not exercise regularly.
4. Pushed myself way too hard practising piano for the new church.
Though of course, it could be my damaged, epilepsy ridden brain simply misfiring for the heck of it, with no rhyme or reason at all.
And the “what do I do now list?”
1. Eat properly and put those 6kg back on (working on that, 2kg back on already)
2. Exercise regularly (doing that, back to weekly aerobics and frequent walks)
3. Find a hobby and pursue it (hmmm, almost no idea on that one)
4. Get more sleep
8.11.10 - I hate the confusion that is afflicting me these days - could be from the epilepsy, or from the epilepsy meds, or from these panic attack symptoms that keep hitting me.
19.11.10 - As the day wore on I felt worse today, like a panic attack was blazing away in my nervous system, even though there was no trigger, and my mind is at peace. Yet all the same, it still feels much weaker than what happened in Oct and Sept, and also, the terrible suffocating blackness that accompanied me through Sept and Oct is not present. Still, I want it to stop and go away. Why Lord Jesus, why am I like this? What has changed? I got home from the school carnival tonight and collapsed on the floor for twenty minutes. My chest felt heavy, squashed, wrong somehow, and my head like it weighed a ton. I had to lie down, I had no choice. After that I went and waited on You in prayer, and felt a lot better after that and the rest.
Facing the Truth that Depression had Returned
The day for my bi-yearly check-up with the neurologist for epilepsy was due on the 26th of Nov, so I decided to tell him what I had been going through. This is the day that I finally faced the truth and accepted that depression had returned. Here are some extracts from my diary entry.
26.11.10 - I went to see the neurologist today, and told him what I've been dealing with, especially since early September. He confirmed my suspicions, the very thing that I had refused to admit to myself, even in secret - I am depressed again. It was sixteen years ago that I pretty much fully recovered from depression, and it was in late 1990 that I recovered from being disturbed or ill at ease all the time. Yet here I am again, feeling disturbed again, or as I used to call it, having lost my peace. Sept and Oct were worst, because the feeling of being ill at ease was accompanied by a horrid blackness that distorted my world view and made everything seem unbearable. Still, in spite of that, I persisted with normal day to day activities. (well, mostly, it was hard to meet people and talk to them.)
When I changed back to my old epilepsy meds in late October, the blackness went away, although the lack of peace continued, on for 5 days, off for 5 days. The neurologist said that the old medication is a mood stabiliser, can prevent depression coming on, and can be used to treat it.
As nothing triggered this new bout of depression, he said that it was genetic, ie, inherited from my parents.
As I mentioned in my previous post, it had never occurred to me that depression would return. So even when it was glaringly obvious that it had, rather than recognise or acknowledge this, and therefore take steps to deal with it, my initial reaction was to be perplexed and to live in denial of its return. Here are some extracts from some of my diary entries during that period that illustrate the denial and resulting confusion. The first diary entry is from the 13th of Sept ‘10. It was from this day and onwards that the symptoms of severe depression, or major depressive disorder, were clearly evident,
13.9.10 – This was Hell day, literally. I spent the day stuck in hellish panic attacks like the ones I had when I had severe depression back in 1990. My perspective was black, my view of everything completely distorted, my mind was stuck in churning fear/terror cycles all day. I hope I never have a day like this one again.
26.9.10 – Okay Jesus, I’ve got to admit being perplexed about this...It’s been weird because it [feeling very disturbed] has stopped every day (normally around early to mid afternoon) except that first Monday, but comes back every morning. When it stops I feel completely normal. And apart from that first Monday, my mind has mostlybeen OK. I have refused to submit to the fears, whatever they have been, and have resisted them and waited for the feeling of anxiety to go away. I mean, it is normal for me to have one or two panic attack/anxiety episodes a year, which lasts maybe 5 days and in one case, three weeks. But it always stops. This time, although I have (mostly) mental peace, my body just continues to manufacture negative adrenalin. Sometimes my stomach feels bad, or my chest does, or my face feels spiked, and overall everything feels very dark and beyond what I can cope with. Oh Lord, let me rest in You, take refuge in You.
18.10.10 – Well, I don’t know what is happening to me, but my nervous system is still malfunctioning. I don’t know why this is all happening...the amazing thing in all this is that I have not been fighting or fearing all of this, but just waiting on Jesus, trying to rest in Him, and waiting each day for it to stop. And today’s devotional had this wonderful verse: Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you ..." (v.3, NKJV)
(At the end of October I changed back to my old epilepsy medication, as I suspected that the new one may have been somehow contributing to what was happening. For one thing, everything seemed so heavy, so overwhelmingly black.)
3.11.10 – Here I am, making lists again.
I believe the primary cause of what I’m going through now is a combination of the following:
1. Was not eating properly for a few months due to throat problems, and lost 6kgs
2. Add to that getting sick repeatedly throughout winter, perhaps seven illnesses in a row
3. As a result of getting sick so many times, did not exercise regularly.
4. Pushed myself way too hard practising piano for the new church.
Though of course, it could be my damaged, epilepsy ridden brain simply misfiring for the heck of it, with no rhyme or reason at all.
And the “what do I do now list?”
1. Eat properly and put those 6kg back on (working on that, 2kg back on already)
2. Exercise regularly (doing that, back to weekly aerobics and frequent walks)
3. Find a hobby and pursue it (hmmm, almost no idea on that one)
4. Get more sleep
8.11.10 - I hate the confusion that is afflicting me these days - could be from the epilepsy, or from the epilepsy meds, or from these panic attack symptoms that keep hitting me.
19.11.10 - As the day wore on I felt worse today, like a panic attack was blazing away in my nervous system, even though there was no trigger, and my mind is at peace. Yet all the same, it still feels much weaker than what happened in Oct and Sept, and also, the terrible suffocating blackness that accompanied me through Sept and Oct is not present. Still, I want it to stop and go away. Why Lord Jesus, why am I like this? What has changed? I got home from the school carnival tonight and collapsed on the floor for twenty minutes. My chest felt heavy, squashed, wrong somehow, and my head like it weighed a ton. I had to lie down, I had no choice. After that I went and waited on You in prayer, and felt a lot better after that and the rest.
Facing the Truth that Depression had Returned
The day for my bi-yearly check-up with the neurologist for epilepsy was due on the 26th of Nov, so I decided to tell him what I had been going through. This is the day that I finally faced the truth and accepted that depression had returned. Here are some extracts from my diary entry.
26.11.10 - I went to see the neurologist today, and told him what I've been dealing with, especially since early September. He confirmed my suspicions, the very thing that I had refused to admit to myself, even in secret - I am depressed again. It was sixteen years ago that I pretty much fully recovered from depression, and it was in late 1990 that I recovered from being disturbed or ill at ease all the time. Yet here I am again, feeling disturbed again, or as I used to call it, having lost my peace. Sept and Oct were worst, because the feeling of being ill at ease was accompanied by a horrid blackness that distorted my world view and made everything seem unbearable. Still, in spite of that, I persisted with normal day to day activities. (well, mostly, it was hard to meet people and talk to them.)
When I changed back to my old epilepsy meds in late October, the blackness went away, although the lack of peace continued, on for 5 days, off for 5 days. The neurologist said that the old medication is a mood stabiliser, can prevent depression coming on, and can be used to treat it.
As nothing triggered this new bout of depression, he said that it was genetic, ie, inherited from my parents.
I have to see him again in three months, and report on what my mood has been like during those three months. He preferred not to give me anti-depressants as these reduce the effectiveness of the anti-seizure meds, increasing the chance of seizures. (I also told him that I was willing to continue on without anti-depressants, as I felt a lot better than I had in Sept/Oct, and forgetting the timeline of my previous bout of depression, thought it would fade away soon. Considering my previous history with depression, this would turn out to be an error.)
Conclusion
For over two months I had charted what was wrong with me, and while doing so I recognised that it was the same as what had happened to me back in 1989/90. However, I continued to deny the truth and avoid reaching the conclusion I needed to reach. Because of this I prevented myself from taking the action necessary to deal with depression’s return while it was still in its early stages.
I should have gone to my doctor in back in September/October as soon as the anxiety/panic attacks and other symptoms persisted for longer than two to three weeks. He would have requested weekly checkups and I would have been put on antidepressants much sooner. (I was eventually put on them in Feb,2011, which was five months too late. More about this in another post.)
By denying that depression had returned for so long, and then delaying in getting it treated, resulted in the depression becoming deeply entrenched in every area of my life. (Admittedly, in my case the epilepsy was a complication, but it was one that the neurologist and doctor worked around when they had to.)
For the Future
For those like me who have major depressive disorder:
a) if depressions symptoms have returned and remained for at least two weeks, we need to accept the truth that it has, or may have, returned,
b) we should then immediately go to see our doctor or professional health care worker, so that we can be placed on weekly check-ups,
c) and if the doctor advises it, we should then return to medication as soon as possible.
d) these steps, combined with other coping techniques, strategies, counselling/therapy, should reduce the severity and duration of the bout of depression.
Conclusion
For over two months I had charted what was wrong with me, and while doing so I recognised that it was the same as what had happened to me back in 1989/90. However, I continued to deny the truth and avoid reaching the conclusion I needed to reach. Because of this I prevented myself from taking the action necessary to deal with depression’s return while it was still in its early stages.
I should have gone to my doctor in back in September/October as soon as the anxiety/panic attacks and other symptoms persisted for longer than two to three weeks. He would have requested weekly checkups and I would have been put on antidepressants much sooner. (I was eventually put on them in Feb,2011, which was five months too late. More about this in another post.)
By denying that depression had returned for so long, and then delaying in getting it treated, resulted in the depression becoming deeply entrenched in every area of my life. (Admittedly, in my case the epilepsy was a complication, but it was one that the neurologist and doctor worked around when they had to.)
For the Future
For those like me who have major depressive disorder:
a) if depressions symptoms have returned and remained for at least two weeks, we need to accept the truth that it has, or may have, returned,
b) we should then immediately go to see our doctor or professional health care worker, so that we can be placed on weekly check-ups,
c) and if the doctor advises it, we should then return to medication as soon as possible.
d) these steps, combined with other coping techniques, strategies, counselling/therapy, should reduce the severity and duration of the bout of depression.
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