Freedom for the Captives

It was evening, midway through 1989, and the view outside my friend’s lounge room window was of a sky darkened by foreboding rain clouds. I remember sharing my deepest fear with a group of Bible college colleagues. “I suffered a burnout back in ’86 – it was absolutely dreadful. I’m terrified of that happening to me again one day.”

I know now that it was not a ‘burnout’, but a mild episode of depression. 1986 was the final year of my diploma of primary education, yet rather than concentrate on finishing the course, I unwisely began a Bible college correspondence course, became too heavily involved in my local church, and started fasting most lunchtimes. To cap this off, chronic insomnia began afflicting me.

I became so run down that ten weeks of constant illness forced me to pull out of teacher’s college. Sharing this with a pastor at my church, he accused me of doing this on purpose, and then removed me from my position of co-leading an important church ministry. I could not blame him for that since I had neglected my responsibilities since becoming ill. However, accusing me of doing this on purpose was quite a shock. Later, when another pastor heard of this, he supported me and encouraged me to rest and recover.

The next few months were very dark. Not only was I emotionally down, but I felt guilty all the time, always feeling as though I should be doing more than I was. I began wondering if it would ever end.

I slowly pulled out of that dark phase at the beginning of 1987. Upon the return of my zeal for life, I resigned from my job and attended a brick-and-mortar Bible college from the middle of that year.

It seemed as though my life was back on track. Unfortunately, in many people, depression tends to be cyclic, and unless we learn how to deal with it, we run of the risk of succumbing to it again, and again. Unaware that I had suffered a mild bout of depression, and in fact, ignorant of depression’s nature, I forged ahead with my goal to be a pastor and a missionary. However, at the back of my mind was this unsettling fear that I may one day end up back in that dark place.

Psalm 116:3
The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.

During 1989, a combination of factors triggered the return of depression, except in this occasion I became so severely depressed that my previous depressive episode seemed like a walk in the park.

Psalm 116:4
Then I called on the name of the LORD:
"O LORD, save me!"

I could have spent the rest of my life stuck in cycles of depression. And considering what lay in my future, it was virtually guaranteed. Complex partial epilepsy emerged in 1996, and from 2003 my hearing began to deteriorate rapidly, thanks to otosclerosis. However, that is not how my future turned out. For throughout those dark, desperate months of severe depression, I called and called upon the Lord to save me.

Psalm 116:5-6
The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.

Jesus, full of compassion and grace, heard my prayers to save me from that dark cycle. With gentleness He helped me to face my fears, to deal with deep wounds from my childhood, and to receive Biblical counselling for the faulty thought processes and theology that kept tripping me up.

Psalm 116:7
The LORD protects the simple hearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.

Although dealing with these issues was very painful, through His word, counselling, and the book “Self Help for Your Nerves” by Dr Claire Weekes, the Lord taught me how to break depression’s fear-fight-flight cycle.

Psalm 116:7
Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.

After eight months of anguish and despair, followed by four years of hope-filled recovery where I lived an almost normal life, the Lord lead me to green pastures, to wholeness, to inner rest.

Psalm 116:8-9
For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.

But the Lord did not stop there. By setting me free from the fears, faulty thought processes and theologies that had caused me to stumble so many times, by teaching me how depression works and how to overcome it, Jesus set me completely free and restored me to the land of the living.

Jesus said:
“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,”
Isaiah 61:1-3

I no longer fear depression - its cyclic hold on me has been broken. Although I have endured new trials, such as epilepsy and going deaf, I have not stumbled nor regressed back to depression. By his mercy the Lord set me free from captivity.

All verses from the NIV.