Learning Not to Fear our Own Thoughts

I called my mind a ‘mindfield’ while suffering from depression, since so many unwanted, appalling thoughts would pop without warning into my mind and ‘BOOM’ - the thought, its implications, and my ensuing reaction would tear me apart, just as if I had stepped upon a landmine. These appalling thoughts, which often triggered panic attacks, came to terrorise me to the extent that I tried to ‘tip-toe’ around in my mind, sometimes scared to think anything at all.

From my diary, 1/4/93 –
I think of my mind as a never ending minefield
I walk along inside my mind, forgetting not to yield
to those fearful thoughts and doubts that cling like dust.
I take a mental step and plant my foot right on a mine,
and boom!
There blows another one.
At first I look at the mine and ponder,
Before I realise that it's just another doubt
and send it yonder.
"Just let it go," I tell myself.
"Don't give in to the fear, don't let it influence you."
And I remove it with a mental shear.
It is such a struggle at times.
Most have to watch where they walk,
But I have to watch where I think.


Here is an example of an alarming/appalling thought, also known as an obsessive fearful thought.

A strong Christian told me recently that a thought popped into her mind while she was praying, saying, “Satan is lord.” Her response was to freak out. Where did the thought come from? Did it come from her? If it did come from her, did that mean she really believed it? And if that was the case, there must be something seriously wrong with her!

Although such a thought could pop into anyone’s mind, a person with a healthy mind would dismiss the thought as utter nonsense, and pay it no heed. However, for someone with a sensitive mind or a mind that is over sensitized or exhausted by depression, such a thought can cause a shock the first time it occurs.

When similar alarming/appalling thoughts began to afflict me in my early twenties, (I had already suffered one mild depressive episode,) I reacted in the same way. I was greatly alarmed to find such thoughts flying through my mind and feared some part of me actually believed them. On each occasion I began a fearful, introspective examination of my heart and mind, digging deeper and deeper. “But what if I do believe this thought, what does it mean about me?” The more I examined the thought, the more I feared that I actually believed it or was guilty of what it was accusing. After these frantic sessions of fearful soul searching came repentance as I desperately asked God to forgive me for having the thought or attitude in the first place.

Not only did I fear these alarming/appalling thoughts; I lived in fear that more might come. And of course, more did come. Fearing them made me more sensitive to them, which of course made them occur more frequently. Panic attacks became more and more commonplace as well.

Now let us pop back to the discussion I had with the young woman who encountered one of these thoughts during her prayer time. Understandably, she was bewildered, afraid, feared where the thought came from, and scared that perhaps she did believe part of it.

I said to her, “All sorts of thoughts fly through our minds every day - some of these are whispered into our mind by Satan, while others are simply things we are afraid of. It does not matter where these fearful thoughts come from. All we need to know is that they are not from us and they are not what we believe - they are simply something we are afraid of. Now, answer me this, what do you believe about Satan?”

She answered that she believed he was a fallen angel, the devil, and that Jesus had defeated him through His work on the cross.

I said, “Now compare what you have just told me, which is not only what you believe, but what you know you believe, with the first fearful thought that popped into your mind.”

Her face lit up with comprehension and relief.

The result was black and white. The first thought, “Satan is lord,” was suddenly shown up for what it was - a lie, a deception. It was not something this young woman believed, it was only something she feared she might believe.

Suddenly, the fearful thought had no power as the truth of God’s word revealed it to be a lie. I encouraged her not to fear such thoughts, and if they happened again, to do as below:

1. Do not be afraid if an alarming/appalling thought pops into our mind.
2. Do not worry where the thought came from, whether from the enemy, or something we fear, it is not significant.
3. STOP, and ask our self, what do we believe or know about that topic? (Base our answer upon God’s Word if possible.)
4. COMPARE the original alarming/appalling thought with what we know we believe, and then keep the liberating truth in mind.
5. Then move on and let time pass, leaving the episode behind. (Do not be concerned if the fear lingers for a while, remember the truth of what we believe, and the thought will soon fade away.)

The young woman was no longer worried but comforted and relieved. She also knew how to deal with any such thoughts that came at her in the future. I assured her, “Soon you will be able to dismiss such thoughts by simply thinking at them, ‘Oh, you’re one of those thoughts are you? Bye-bye!’ And eventually, you won’t even need to do that.”

The truth is that these thoughts are not actually something we are afraid we might do or believe - because we would never do or believe such things. The truth is that we are afraid of the thoughts themselves.

I remember the release I received upon learning I had been tricked into being afraid of my own (or the enemy's) thoughts. It was so comforting to know that I no longer needed to dig feverishly through my heart and mind searching for attitudes or beliefs that were not even there in the first place. I am indebted to the Lord for setting me free from that trap.

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32

So let us rely upon the truths of God’s word to set us free from fearful thoughts as we remind ourselves of what we know we believe.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5

(A small postscript, due to very severe depression or mental illness, there are situations where people not only have bad thoughts but actually desire or attempt to carry them out. In these cases, they need to seek professional help immediately, such as from a doctor or Christian therapist.)

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All verses from the NIV.

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Paula's Testimony

It is my honour to share in this post a moving and very practical testimony about depression by Paula Wiseman.

For Worse, Then Better: My Battle

Genuine love prompts action, and it was love for my husband and my children that initiated one of the most unnerving and rewarding experience of my life – seeking treatment for depression. Doing the hard work of uncovering and dealing with the triggers and manifestations of the disease has resulted not just in a journey toward healing, but in a deepening of my relationships with those closest to me.

The first step, the “easier said than done” step, was admitting there was an issue. I knew I lived with recurring episodes, but I was sure that, in time, I could reason the depression away. It was simply a matter of finding the right book or article with all the answers.

The answers came in a most unexpected way. I attended a Women of Faith conference and listened to Sheila Walsh talk openly about her battle with depression. I took away one important fact- treatment works.

That said, it was not necessarily cut and dried. It was a process of seeing a doctor, taking medication, changing medication, changing doctors, and adding a therapist. Had it not been for my family and that desire to be well for their sakes as much as my own, I would not have hung in there. Now I have first-hand knowledge that treatment does work.

Treatment started long before I reached the doctor’s office, though. It started with finally trusting my husband enough to be honest with him. I stopped saying, “I’m fine,” and admitted I was struggling.

When my husband and I first married, he knew very little about depression. He knew that there was something going on with me, but he did not know what questions to ask and I did not love him or trust him enough to volunteer anything. For ten years, we lived with this uneasy arrangement of denial, frustration and misunderstanding.

Once I saw a doctor and we began to deal with depression, we could see how it was affecting me and how it insinuated itself in our marriage. Depression is an isolating, alienating condition. It warps perception and judgment but the sufferer is rarely aware of it. When I thought I was being self-reliant, I was in fact pushing my husband away. What I called inner strength was nothing more than self-deception.

As we unmasked depression, I became more open, and more willing to risk trusting my husband. He once remarked that, from his perspective, depression had gotten worse in the last few years. I assured him it was the opposite. The episodes were shorter, and much less intense, and I was able to function through them to an increasing extent. What had changed was that I felt safe and secure enough to let him see it, and to see me at my worst.

Some people have a fear of rejection. I was less afraid and more resigned to rejection. Sooner or later, I was sure it would come, regardless of the relationship. It was just a matter of time. My husband showed me otherwise. He is a wonderful, understanding, longsuffering man. I always knew that. What I did not understand, what I still need a reminder of periodically, is that he loves me unconditionally. I had always felt unworthy of him, because I was “defective” and he was not. He was perfect, while I was a pretender.

I still think he is perfect, and he smiles when I say that, but we both know that things have leveled between us. I know that the love I give him is precious because of how much he values me as a person. The love I receive is no longer such a desperate need, and I can simply soak it in. There is no fear that he will figure me out, that the truth about me will be too much, and that he will abandon me.

Because my husband loved me, even after he knew my battles, I was willing to take that same chance with others. I risked being vulnerable and open with a few of my close friends, and was rewarded with some deep, very secure relationships.

Another benefit is being on the “giving” end of the relationship. Depression is intensely self-centered, and it taxes all those relationship bonds. I was in constant crisis, in need of a listening ear, perpetually irritated that no one understood what I was going through. Then after the crisis passed, I felt guilty for always having some difficulty I needed to unload, and ashamed that I could not cope when it seemed everyone else could.

I found out the truth is, none of us is perfect, and we all need a little support from time to time. My friends did not resent helping me out any more than I felt put upon when they called. We all learned to appreciate each other for our strengths as well as our weaknesses.

The ironic thing is that my friendships and my marriage are stronger after I have owned up to my depression. No one could have convinced me that would have happened before I sought treatment.

Getting to this point required a huge step in learning how to communicate. Open, honest communication is necessary in any relationship and it is critical in a marriage. Simple, yes. Easy, no. It took quite a bit of ‘unlearning’ on my part. I was used to overanalyzing and second-guessing everything my husband said, and the answers I gave him were vague and veiled, never lies, but worlds away from the truth.

I discovered that straightforward requests reap tremendous benefits. ‘Can I sort this out for a couple of days by myself before we talk about it?’ takes the pressure off me, and keeps his imagination from getting out of hand. Strange as it sounds, during a depression episode, deciding what to cook for dinner is a particularly paralyzing decision. Since I disclosed that, my husband is careful to suggest something or opt for eating out.

We found one statement that revolutionized our talks. ‘I hear the words you are saying, and I think this is what you mean, but this is how it comes across.’ It was a non-threatening way to show him how I process things. I knew he was trying to help and told him so, but I did not pretend when it was not.

We have also accepted the exasperating fact that words can have a completely different impact when I am depressed than they would otherwise. He has asked reasonable questions, looking for information. ‘Did you wash the whites?’ During an episode that became an indictment. I had not lived up to expectations. I was a failure. I cannot explain why I think that way, but I must admit that I do occasionally.

When I let my husband in on that, he became an ally and my chief encourager. He is quick to notice what I am able to get done during an episode, and he wordlessly covers what I do not. I depend on his judgment, and I trust him to tell me when things are slipping. I put just as much stock in it when he tells me how things have improved.

The most gratifying thing is how willing he has been to do the hard work that living with depression has required. All the work I have done trying to understand the disease, to reorder my thought processes and my reactions to situations, has been met by equally hard work on his part. By taking on this challenge, we have each communicated to the other, ‘you are worth it’, in a way neither of us grasped before.

© Paula Wiseman and Sage Words, 2009.

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Dealing with Depression and Suicidal Thoughts, from a Christian Perspective

The extract below is from my diary, written while stuck in the miry pit of severe depression. I had virtually no hope, could see no future, and feared depression would never end.

29th April 1990 -
How many other people are out there like me?
I wish I could help them, comfort them,
But I wouldn’t know how.
I don’t even know how to survive myself.
What was it that stopped me from ending it all?
Why did I persist?
Jesus was some of the reason, sure,
But even my spiritual life was in a complete shambles.

The one main thing that stopped me from ending it was my mother.
I had to keep going for her,
And for the others who cared for me.
How could they cope if I had killed myself?
I saw the devastating effects a suicide could have on a family,
And there’s no way I could put others through such an ordeal.

A common reaction if experiencing unbearable suffering such as depression, is to want to die or kill ourselves. Unable to see an end to the suffering, and not knowing how to be free from it, suicide or wanting to die may seem like the only escape route available.

This is a lie from Satan. Capitalising upon our fears and feelings of hopelessness, Satan tries to convince suffering people that death is the only way out. He tries to hide the truth from us because he wants to destroy us. We must not give into Satan; we must not give him the victory.

John 8:44 “the devil…was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”

Another extract from my diary, 14th June 1990 –
I keep asking myself, why am I still here?
Why am I still even trying?
Why don’t I just give up and end it?
I mean, is this all there is to human life?
Suffering?
Is this it?

But regardless of how hard it gets,
I can’t end it, for my mother could not handle it.
I’ve seen the effects suicide can have on a family,
And I would not willingly do that to anyone.
I feel so like Job. “Curse God and die!” my thoughts yell at me.
“Look at this suffering!
How can He be faithful,
When He’s apparently done nothing for six whole months now –
Curse Him and die!”
But God is faithful, and I know that -
It is His name – Faithful and True.

The main thing that stopped me from ending it was that I had witnessed the effects suicide has upon a person’s family, and I loved my family too much to destroy their lives by ending my own. They loved me, cared for me, and were supporting me the best they could, as were my friends. If I had taken my own life, it would have destroyed their lives by causing them to enter a depression worse than what I was experiencing. I refused to put them through that.

And as to the fear that depression would never end – that was a lie as well. I did recover. The fact is, if I had succumbed to Satan’s lies that death was the only way out of depression, I would have been robbed of all the wonderful blessings that God was yet to give me.

1 Corinthians 2:9
However, as it is written:
"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him."

Once I came to understand how depression worked and how to recover, hope re-entered my life. During the next four years, while I slowly healed, I learnt to live with it and got on with my life. I made a lot of new friends, took up new hobbies such as writing and computer games, and joined a new church where I played the piano and taught Sunday school.

And then, when I recovered from depression, God continued to pour His blessings upon me. I bought a house, married a wonderful lady and had two beautiful (busy!) children.

Quality of life after depression was also much better than it had been before depression. Why? Because it was through depression that had I finally learnt how to deal with anxiety and panic attacks – I was finally free of them for the first time in my life! And best of all, I came to receive a much deeper understanding of God’s love for me, I learnt how to trust Him during difficult times, and I came so much closer to Jesus.

Another thing that helped me to press on, where the memories of my relationship with Jesus before I became depressed. I often reflected upon the times He had comforted me, the times I had felt His wonderful presence, and upon Bible passages that offered encouragement. Most of all, I remembered when Jesus so clearly revealed His love for me - a love so deep and touching that I had wept for joy afterwards. I focused on the fact that God is faithful and true, irrespective of my circumstances.

Ephesians 3:17-19 ‘And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.’

One thought that helped me persevere was the joy of reaching heaven and hearing Jesus say, “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!” Matthew 25:23. How could Jesus say that if I had taken my own life? That is not being a good and faithful servant, making the most of the life and gifts He had given me – that is giving up!

I also kept in mind that God rewards the overcomers, those who persevere in times of trouble. The book of Revelation lists several wonderful rewards that Christ gives to the overcomers. If you have a moment, please check them out. Revelation 2:7, 2:11, 2:17, 3:5, 3:12

In conclusion, if plagued by thoughts that suicide is the only way out of depression, remember that this is a lie - there is a way out, we can recover, and we can enjoy the richness of life again.

And some advice - we need to talk to those who are supporting and caring for us, and tell them if we are having suicidal thoughts. When I confided to my mother that I felt like ending it all, she immediately arranged for me to see her doctor. The anti-depressants the doctor gave me were very effective in reducing the severity of depression’s symptoms, which made life much more bearable. So if having such thoughts, please see a good doctor and follow his or her advice.

As well as seeing a doctor, we need to get help from a professional therapist or counsellor and deal with the underlying issues that are causing the depression. I also recommend reading “Self Help for Your Nerves” by Dr Claire Weekes. It was after reading this book that hope returned to my life.

And most of all, we need to cling to, rely upon, and trust in Jesus. He will not abandon us if we turn to Him.

If no one is available and you need to talk about suicidal thoughts, please talk to someone at a suicide helpline. Here is a helpful listing of such helplines available in a number of different countries.

All verses from the NIV.

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Depression and Regular Physical Exercise

Learning karate in my late teens was not one of the smartest things I have ever done, primarily because it was subtly intertwined with eastern religious principles and philosophies. When I finally realized this, I quit karate before I did my black belt grading, as that required that I participate in a Buddhist/Shinto Senjo ceremony, and as a Christian, I could not do that.

However, doing karate for two years had good points as well, the main one being that through it I achieved a very high level of physical fitness, and this had very positive effects upon every area of my life. During those two years my energy levels peaked, my mind became more flexible and alert, my immune system became stronger than ever before, and if I did get sick, I recovered very quickly. I also became more confident.

Now although I knew that karate’s regular workouts had brought about these amazing changes in my life, after I quit karate I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Instead of searching for another avenue of physical exercise without an eastern religious component, I stopped exercising altogether.

As to be expected, over the next four years my health steadily returned to what it had been previously. I caught every sickness I encountered, they hit me hard, my mind lost some flexibility, my energy reserves ran out and it was a struggle to make it through each day. Admittedly, after I graduated from Bible College I did far too much, working fulltime as well as being an assistant pastor, yet that was compounded by my lack of health due to partaking in no regular physical exercise.

In 1990, while stuck in the depths of depression, I realized my mistake and started getting back into regular exercise. Initially I went jogging and did (lots!) of sit-ups, and then in 1991, when I was well on the road to recovery from depression, I joined a gym. At first I did weights and circuit. Circuit was fun, very energetic and a great cardiovascular workout. On the other hand, since my mind had nothing to do while pumping iron, doing weights saw me struggling with fearful churning thoughts. Yet all the same, I noticed that my quality of life was slowly improving on all levels.

In 1992, I changed from doing weights and circuit to doing aerobics three times a week. Aerobics proved to be a fantastic workout for the entire body, and even helped with my mental problems. I recall going to an aerobics class while in the midst of a panic attack on several occasions, only to be pleasantly surprised when the brisk exercise to music drove the attack away.

Having learnt my lesson, twenty years later I am still doing aerobics, as well as light hand weights at home several days a week. Being physically fit helps all areas of our lives. It can boost our immune system, reduces the effects of illnesses upon us, strengthens our bodies and helps prevent injuries, makes our minds more flexible and alert, boosts our confidence, lifts our emotions, and even improves our spiritual condition.

I encourage everyone to partake in regular physical exercise. A word of caution, though - if you are out of shape, take it slowly, one-step at a time. Start by going on three or four gentle 45-minute walks a week. After a few weeks of this, change this to brisk walks. Consider joining a pilates class and improve your flexibility. In addition, depending upon your age and level of fitness, consider embracing more energetic forms of exercise such as swimming, aerobics, bike riding, or jogging. Joining a gym can be very helpful as the classes they run provide motivation for those who find it hard to motivate themselves. Gymnasiums also have exercise bikes, treadmills, steppers, rowing machines, and weights.

Another word of caution - depending upon our age and level of fitness, it is worthwhile getting a check-up with a doctor before determining a suitable form of regular physical exercise. Doing too much exercise or unsuitable exercise could cause injuries. If joining a gym, book yourself in for a physical assessment before joining any classes or doing any weights, and the instructor will design a program especially suited for you.

Bearing in mind the comments I made about karate and its eastern religious content, please avoid yoga as its roots and purposes are inseparably bound with eastern religious philosophies as well.

Another important aspect of maintaining our physical health is a good diet, eating plenty of vegetables and fruit and drinking about eight cups of water a day. (If our health deteriorates upon such a diet, see a doctor immediately. Some people are fructose or gluten intolerant, and a healthy diet can cause depression in such a case. )

Gary R. Collins, Ph.D. shares the following advice for preventing depression, “Encourage physical fitness. Since poor diet and lack of exercise can make people depression-prone, people should always be encouraged – by word and example – to take care of their bodies. A healthy body is less susceptible to mental as well as to physical illness.” Christian Counselling, Word Publishing, 1980.

‘Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.’ 1 Corinthians 6:19-20


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All verses from the NIV.

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Occupy Till I Come: Depression & Engaging in Constructive Activities

In the previous article I explained that we must not let depression isolate us. We need to spend time with close family or friends and join a caring Christian community.

In this article I discuss something else that played a significant role in helping me to cope with and recover from depression. The diary entry below reveals something that helped dull depression’s intensity:

28th Feb 1990 –
But those two weeks haunt me.
They do not make sense.
The first one ended after eight days,
But I knew it was the eye of the storm.
Sure enough, two weeks later – blam!
And this second week lasted six intense days,
And it never finished.
It is still going, nine weeks later.
But it is not as bad as it was then.
But that’s probably because I’m busy at work.
As soon as I start to look, I start to sink and say,
“What’s happened to me.
I can’t believe what’s happened to me.”

As mentioned previously, severe depression had left be bedridden for six days as terrifying fears immobilized me – a phase that only ended when my parents returned from a week’s holiday. My mother had bundling me off that bed and busied me with menial chores around the home, as well as providing me with much needed support.

Two days later I had to return to work. My mind was still lost in a miry pit of churning fearful thoughts and I did not want to work, nevertheless, I refused to shirk my responsibilities and risk losing my job. So off to work I went, and as you can see from the diary entry above, being busy at work dulled depression’s intensity.

That is an important aspect of coping with and recovering from depression – keeping ourselves gainfully engaged in constructive activities. This could be a full time, part time or casual job. If this is not possible, we could volunteer to help a charity, such as the Salvation Army or an opportunity shop. We could even volunteer to work in the church office a couple of days a week, or help a family member who runs a business.

Regular work gives us purpose, a routine and keeps our mind busy on things other than the fearful thoughts that demand out attention whenever our mind is idle.

I know that this can be hard to do, but Jesus is there to help us take this step.

‘I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.’ Philippians 4:13 KJV.

My wife and I used to visit Chika Honda, a Japanese lady, in the Deer Park Metropolitan Women's Correctional Centre. In October 2000, the government took over management of the prison. While this transfer of management was being implemented, the inmates were placed in a state of lockdown where they could not leave their self-contained units. Chika asked our church to pray that the lockdown would be ended as soon as possible so that she could go back to work in the prison’s workshops. Being stuck all day in a unit with other inmates with nothing to do was unbearable, whereas the job gave her a sense of purpose and achievement.

A special note here - we must be careful not use such activities to run from the causes of our depression. It is imperative to seek help from a Christian counselor or therapist to deal with the issues and fears that caused or are associated with depression.

Let us now read Luke 19:13, where Jesus is seen giving gifts to His servants.

So he called ten of his servants and gave them ten minas. “Put this money to work,” he said, “until I come back.” Luke 19:13

This ‘money’ represents the gifts which God has given us. Putting these gifts into action is another activity that assists with the recovery of depression. To focus on God, and on the needs of others, is a healing balm all of its own.

Acts 20:35 “It is more blessed to give than to receive.”

Before depression destroyed my life, I had been an assistant pastor and a church musician. Ten months after my descent into depression, when it was clear I was on the road to recovery, my counselor pushed me back into ministry. At her advice, I started with something small – playing the piano in a home group. A few months later I started teaching Sunday School too. After I recovered from depression, I became even more involved using my spiritual gifts in serving the Lord.

Let us take another look at Luke 19:13 So he called ten of his servants and gave them ten minas. “Put this money to work,” he said, “until I come back.”

Along with spiritual gifts, God has also given us natural talents, in areas such as sport, music, writing, painting, gardening, and so on. When God created us in His image, He also placed in us the desire to be creative. So let us also develop and pursue the talents and hobbies that God has given us – they are a gift from Him.

One of the greatest pieces of advice that helped me in the early days of severe depression came from a friend who had been down that same route. He said, “Find anything that you enjoy, and pursue it. Just try to have fun.”

“Have fun, when I’m like this?” I thought to myself, yet I pressed on and embraced his advice. I bought a computer, played engrossing computer games, and over the next five years wrote three novels and pursued other hobbies too. I also joined a gym. These hobbies helped to keep my mind productively occupied and were a significant factor in breaking my mind’s habit of thinking fearful thoughts.

My friend Sherry Castelluccio, who suffered from severe post-partum depression after the birth of her daughter, offers this advice – “Are you bored at home? Pick up that hobby you put down. Are you lonely? Call that friend you haven’t spoken to in months. You will both be glad you did. Is your body physically sick? Go sit outside in the sun for a few minutes. Find the one thing that makes you smile and drink it up. Surround yourself with children, rent a comedy, finger paint. You are here because God put you here with a purpose. Find out what it is, make it your ambition to find out what you can do to bless others. I have found that the fastest way to bust Satan in the teeth is to do something for someone else. It puts a stop to the feelings of sadness and makes you feel alive and full of purpose, all at the same time. Make yourself laugh. It’s the simplest, most inexpensive cure there is and the most readily available. It changes your whole outlook.”

I have always loved the way which the King James Version translates Luke 19:13 And he called his ten servants, and delivered them ten pounds, and said unto them, “Occupy till I come.”

What wonderful advice - keep ourselves productively occupied until He comes. So let us work as we are able, serve God with the spiritual gifts He has given us, and pursue engaging hobbies. Keeping occupied with such productive activities can be of great assistance in helping us to recover from depression by taking our focus off depression’s fears and symptoms that try so hard to immobilize us.

(All verses from the NIV unless stated otherwise.)

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(All verses from the NIV unless stated otherwise.)

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Depression - It is Not Good for Man to be Alone

My descent into depression accelerated towards the end of 1989. Exhausted by chronic insomnia and frequent panic attacks, a massive shock finally pushed me over the edge. My mind unraveled to the extent that for the next several days, I did little else but lay on my bed, rocking from side to side as I tried in vain to pull myself out of the terrifying panic attacks that had taken over my mind.

I described that week, and an earlier similar one, in my diary, 28th Feb 1990 –
What’s happened to me?
Where has it come from?
What did those two weeks mean,
One after Thailand, one at the year’s end.
I fell apart emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.
I could barely think a complete thought.
I could not find peace whatever course of action I considered.
All day long, during those two weeks, I lay curled up into a ball.
And I could not get away - it would not stop.

It is significant to note that my parents were absent during this week, having gone to attend an annual Christian convention. Fortunately, my brother was there, as he made sure I kept eating and tried to help and support me.

My parents returned a week later. When my mother found me laying on my bed in that terrible condition, she sprang into action. She bundled me off the bed, encouraged me with kind words, and in no time sent me outside to wash my car, which was very hard to do considering the state of my mind. Yet even so, I could not help but notice that the activity of washing the car lessened the inner pain slightly. She and my brother also prayed over me, and my mother continued to give me menial tasks to do every day such as watering the garden, serving dinner, and also encouraged me to watch TV with the family every evening. Although the fears assaulting my mind continued to scream at me while doing these things, I noticed that their intensity was less during these times than when I was inactive. The activities my mother gave me were a good distraction.

So it was because of my mother that I was able to get off that sickbed. Most of the time she was simply there for me, never telling me to “snap out of it.” This non-demanding, supportive human contact helped to pull me out of that blackest, unable-to-move phase of depression.

The Bible tells us that when God created Adam, He looked at him and said, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” Genesis 2:18.

Although it is a normal reaction when depressed to want to hide from any human contact, this reaction is harmful. It is not good for someone who is depressed to be alone. We need to be with close family members or close friends who will simply be there for us, providing emotional support. We do not need to tell them what we are going through in detail - they probably would not understand.

Not everyone has close family members they can turn to, and for those who are ill, disabled or living in the country, even finding friends can be difficult. In which case, here is some wonderful advice from Sherry Castelluccio. “Are you lonely? Call that friend you haven’t spoken to in months. You will both be glad you did.” Another option is to join a supportive Christian forum, such as The Cypress Times , a Christian social networking site, or the Faithwriters forum , where any Christian who dabbles in writing is welcome to socialize.

Another very important source of human contact is available through a local church. Gary R. Collins, Ph.D. shares, “The church, and other social institutions, can become therapeutic communities where people feel welcome and accepted. A concerned group of people who have learned to be caring can do much to soften the trauma of crises and provide strength and help in times of need. Aware that they are not alone, people in crises are able to cope better and thus avoid severe depression.” Christian Counseling, Word Publishing, 1980.

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. Hebrews 10:24-25

Please note that while small churches can provide caring, family-like atmospheres, this is noticeably absent from larger churches. If attending a larger church, it is imperative to join at least one of that church’s small groups, such as a women’s or men’s fellowship, home group (cell group), youth group, prayer group, and so on.

Around ten months after my descent into severe depression, when I had finally regained hope for the future, the Christian counselor I was seeing encouraged me to stop hiding behind Jesus, join a home group, and get back into ministry, such as playing the piano in the home group I was to join.

I took her advice and joined a midweek home group run by a couple in my church. Having been lonely for so long because of depression, this midweek meeting soon became one of the highlights of my week. I played the piano for the group and made some good friends. It was wonderful to simply be with other believers and enjoy their company as we fellowshipped and worshipped God together. I did not tell anyone in the group that I was recovering from depression, but it may have been a good idea to share briefly what I was going through with the home group’s leader in order to receive prayer and pastoral care.

In conclusion, although depression seeks to isolate us, we must not allow it to do so. We need to spend time with close family or friends, and join a caring Christian small group as soon as we are able to do so. It is through the church, Christ’s body, that we can receive encouragement, support and strength.

What then shall we say, brothers? When you come together, everyone has a hymn, or a word of instruction, a revelation, a tongue or an interpretation. All of these must be done for the strengthening of the church. 1 Corinthians 14:26
(All verses from the NIV)

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Recession Blues

We need only read the paper, watch TV, or see internet news updates, and we will be bombarded with doom and gloom predications that “Recession is coming!” or, “Recession is here!” and of course, “World heading for global depression!”

The fact is that some countries are already suffering the effects of recession, with rising inflation, higher unemployment, and an increase in the number of the homeless. My wife has shared with me the troubles that many families are experiencing in Japan now. Since company provided housing is often part of the job package, when a father is retrenched, they lose not only their income but their home as well.

Many fear that the world is in danger of slipping into another depression akin to the Great Depression of the late 1920s and early 1930s. Many factors that brought about the Great Depression are at work in today’s global economy, such as distress selling, banks in serious financial straights, falling asset prices, lower profits, falling interest rates, soaring unemployment, and so on.

What attitude should we take towards the threat of national/global recession and depression? Should we live in fear of their arrival, dreading how recession or depression will affect us personally? Should we allow fears of what may come tomorrow destroy our ability to live today?

Jesus told us not to worry.

“…do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:31 – 34.

So we should live today with the strength that God gives us today. Worrying about tomorrow not only destroys our ability to enjoy and cope with today, but it doubts God’s ability to look after our future.

And when 'tomorrow' comes, should it arrive hand in hand with calamity, what should our attitude be? What if national or global recession/depression deprives us of jobs, shares, investments, even our homes and possessions?

The answer is that we must seek first the kingdom of God and then trust Him to meet all of our needs.

One of God’s names is Jehovah Jireh, which means, the ‘Lord will provide.’ So Abraham called that place The LORD Will Provide. And to this day it is said, "On the mountain of the LORD it will be provided." Genesis 22:14.

I am convinced that as we put God first and present our requests to Him, we will be astounded by the miracles of His wondrous provision.

Philippians 4:19 And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

God knows what we need - we have nothing to fear.

Matthew 6:25 – 34 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

There is a running joke in my family. If we receive a tax bonus or a cash windfall for a certain amount, we often get a bill the next day for that same amount.

It is my personal opinion that one of the primary ways God will provide for the needs of His children during recession/depression is through the body of Christ. These trials are an opportunity for Christians to watch out for each other’s needs, so that those with plenty can help those in need, just as in the early church. Let us each be mindful of the needs of our Christian family, especially those of our local church.

Acts 4:32-35 All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had. With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and much grace was upon them all. There were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned lands or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to anyone as he had need.

Please note that there is a difference between God supplying all of our needs and God maintaining our wealth or current/previous life style. Our riches are those things we have stored in heaven – our relationship with God, our salvation, each soul we have lead to Christ, every good work we have done for God.

What attitudes should we have if such trials as recession/depression destroy our previous lifestyle? Let examine the life of the Apostle Paul, who set us a great example through the many trials he endured.

2 Corinthians 11:23-27 I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was stoned, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my own countrymen, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false brothers. I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked.

How did Paul respond to these trials? Did he worry, grumble, or blame God?

No, he relied upon Christ’s strength instead of upon his own. 2 Corinthians 12:9 Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

He learned to be content whatever his circumstances.

Philippians 4:12-13 ‘I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.’

In fact, he went further than being content. In the Book of Acts, we even find him singing and praising God while in prison!

Acts 16:24-25 Upon receiving such orders, he put them in the inner cell and fastened their feet in the stocks. About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening to them.

How was Paul able to respond like this? It was because his hope was securely and firmly in Christ, not in this world or its riches, material possessions, stock markets, job, or house.

1 Thessalonians 1:3 We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.

Paul also fixed his hope upon the riches he would receive in Christ when he died and went to heaven.

1 Peter 1:13 Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.

Further more, Paul considered the unimaginable, eternal riches that await us in heaven, and compared to these, the temporary trials we endure on the earth faded into insignificance.

Romans 8:17-18 Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

I think of my ill health in the same way. Hearing impaired, bad tinnitus, epilepsy, slipped spinal discs, difficulty swallowing – when examined in their own light, these troubles could weigh me down. And yes, I know God can and does heal, and I have sought such healings. However, if He never heals me of these ailments, I am not troubled. Why?

Because my hope is in Christ - I know that my time in this world is temporary. I am only passing through on my way to heaven to be with Christ, my Lord and Saviour. And when I get to heaven, I will receive a brand-new, resurrection body – perfect in every way, just like Christ’s resurrected body. I will have this new body for eternity.

If you are reading this article and you have not accepted Jesus Christ to be your Lord and Saviour, let me encourage you to take that step now. Pop over to my blog’s right-hand side bar, scroll down and you will see a heading “Becoming Part of God’s family.” Follow the instructions given by these Bible verses and you will begin your new life as a born-again Christian.

Our life in this world is temporary, and without God, has no meaning, as the Bible shows us in Ecclesiastes 1:2.

"Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."

But for those with faith in Christ, our lives have meaning, significance and purpose.

Those who belong to God’s family have a wondrous hope – that one day we shall spend eternity in heaven, where we can see the face of God and Jesus everyday, a perfect place filled with love, joy and peace.

So if recession/depression deprives us of our job, shares, investments, home or possessions, let us remember to keep things in perspective. This is temporary, Christ is our hope, and glory awaits us. And our God shall supply all of our needs.

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(All verses from the NIV.)

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Insomnia – an Exercise in Frustration

Insomnia, or being unable to sleep at night, is one of the most frustrating things I have had to deal with.

Overwhelmed by fatigue and so sleepy that I could barely keep my eyes open, I would crawl into bed at a good hour, looking forward to a good night’s sleep. My mind was at peace, content, even empty of thought - yet I would lie there, awake, hour after hour. Sleep simply would not come.

As this continued, I began to crawl into bed in an anxious state of mind. I knew I desperately needed sleep but was worried it would not come. This tension made sleep even more evasive. My heart raced, my mind developed a habit of glancing about fearfully, which often trigged panic attacks.

As insomnia became more frequent, I tried to wait patiently for sleep to come. Yet as the hours continued to tick by I became more and more frustrated. My body was telling me that I needed sleep. I was so tired that I could not keep my eyes open, so why was I lying awake hour after hour? I would pray, beg, and plead with the Lord to give me sleep, quoting scriptures at Him, trying to convince Him to stretch out His hand or speak a word over me to put me to sleep. Then, after lying awake for five or six hours, frustration would blossom into rage. I lost count of how many times I shook my fist at the ceiling and said, “Jesus, why do you just sit there! Can’t you see that I need sleep? Why don’t you act? Don’t you care?”

As well as getting angry with God, I became enraged with my mind and body. What was wrong with them, couldn’t they see what they were doing to me? I was so tired and sleepy yet my useless, stupid mind simply would not shut off! It was as though my body conspired against me, and I hated it, I wrote in my diary.

Following these sessions of rage against God and myself, came anguish, repentence and guilt. I knew I should not react like this, but I needed sleep!

Eventually the insomnia became so bad that for five days I would fall asleep when the sun came up, and on the sixth, sleep would not come at all. On those days I felt robbed, cheated, betrayed. When I rose, I felt dirty and unclean. Then the cycle started again.

Finally, due to a number of factors, I fell into strong depression towards the end of 1989. Panic attacks afflicted me 24 hours a day, my mind never ceased to churn through terrifying fearful thoughts, and insomnia continued to afflict me.


Attitudes We Cannot Afford to Have Towards Insomnia

As you can see from what I have shared above, the ways I reacted to insomnia made it worse. These negative reactions of fearing or fighting it released negative adrenalin into my system, elevated my anxiety levels and made it harder to sleep. What a vicious cycle – insomnia begets tension and fatigue, which in turn make insomnia worse, which causes further tension and fatigue.

Here are some reactions we cannot afford to have towards insomnia:
1. going to bed fearful that we may not sleep
2. becoming frustrated when we cannot sleep
3. worrying how this lack of sleep will affect us tomorrow
4. letting the frustration boil over into rage


Helpful Attitudes Towards Insomnia

Here is a list of what reactions we need to have towards insomnia.

1. when we go to bed, be prepared to stay awake all night
2. be content to stay awake all night instead of getting frustrated or angry
3. recognize that resting contentedly all night in bed, even without sleeping, is still beneficial
4. if we don’t sleep tonight, there is always tomorrow night.


Some Things that May Help with Mild Insomnia

In my dealings with insomnia over the decades, I have learned a few tricks that can help alleviate mild insomnia.

1. a glass of hot milk, or a bowl of hot cereal, taken immediately before bed, can be helpful
2. if still awake two to three hours later, have another glass of hot milk or cereal
3. regular exercise is crucial. This may be going on brisk 30-45 minute walks three times a week, or doing aerobics, swimming, jogging, etc. Working out with light hand-weights several days a week also helps. (Small note - avoid the above types of exercise near bedtime!)
4. eat a good, balanced diet, with lots of fruit. Drink plenty of water
5. if you must have a nap during the day, make it a 15 minute power nap, no longer. Set an alarm.
6. listening to soothing or relaxing music immediately before going to bed can also be helpful.

Another point I would like to make is that we humans have a tendency to take on too many responsibilities and get involved with too many activities. Sometimes it is good to take a step back, sit at Christ’s feet and wait on Him, and then prayfully examine our life. Are we doing too much? Are there some aspects of our life that are placing us under pressure unnecessarily? Are there some things that we can quit or that can be put off until next year? Frantic, stressful lifestyles can cause insomnia or make it worse. I learned this lesson the hard way. (Twice…)


Severe Insomnia

If insomnia has become so bad that we cannot sleep night after night, (this is typical for those suffering from depression), seek medical assistance - we must not struggle through it by ourselves. A doctor can help determine insomnia’s causes (there are many different causes) and recommend medical treatment. For someone suffering from strong depression, sleep is a necessary part of the healing process. I am so glad that after three to four months of trying to cope with depression and insomnia on my own, I finally saw a doctor and went onto anti-depressant medication that included a mild tranquilizer. The combination of the medication and being able to sleep again were important factors in dulling depression’s effects, which helped me to concentrate on the task of recovery.

It was not until seventeen years after insomnia began to plague me that I discovered that I was suffering from complex partial epilepsy. This typically begins to become apparent in one’s late teens, and I believe this was the primary cause of the insomnia. (However, the way I reacted to it during the first few years made it much worse.)

I no longer take anti-depressant medication, only epilepsy anti-seizure meds. On most nights, I fall asleep easily, but several times a year I still have those sleepless nights. Instead of getting frustrated or angry, this is what I say to myself when it happens, “If I stay awake all night - that’s fine. I’ll make myself comfortable and snuggle up in the blankets. If I fall asleep eventually - great! If not, that’s fine too. Resting all night in bed is still beneficial.” I submit my mind to Christ, dwell in His peace and take refuge in His presence. I have learned to be content, whatever my circumstances, including those sleepless nights.

Philippians 4:12-13 ‘I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.’

Colossians 3:15 ‘Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.’

Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Special thanks to a reader for reminding where to find this verse!)

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All verses from the NIV.

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Do Not Worry About Tomorrow

There are certain hardships that we cannot avoid, hardships that we dread going through again. These could be trips to the dentist, hospital, public speaking engagements, a recurring injury or illness, and so on.

We may watch the approach of the hardship (eg, the date of the dentist’s appointment), with fear and trepidation, desperate to avoid it yet knowing we cannot. We wonder how we can get through the ordeal when we cannot even bare to think of it.

I had a very sickly childhood, often coming down with tonsillitis, bronchitis, bronchilitis, and very painful middle ear infections. When I came down with one of these illnesses again, I knew from my previous experiences what I was about to go through. A burning throat would lead to a high fever, sometimes exceeding 40ºC and often accompanied by deliriousness. Complications typically followed such as infected sinuses, a chest infection, or a middle ear infection. If I contemplated what I was about to go through, it was too heavy for me.

Instead, once the sickness took hold me of me, I would say to myself, “In a few days, I will be better, this will all be over, and life will go back to normal. I will walk outside into a sky full of sunshine, with this sickness behind me.” This hope greatly comforted me and helped me to endure the trial.

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. James 1:12

As well as keeping my gaze fixed on being well again instead of worrying about the suffering yet to come, I prayed to Jesus throughout each day that I lay sick in bed, asking Him to help me through each moment. He was my refuge in the midst of these storms.

He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; He offers strength to the weak. Isaiah 40:29

I concentrated on living one hour at a time, without worrying about what would come next. The hours added up and the day would pass. Then I concentrated on living one day at a time without worrying about the next day’s sufferings. The days added up and finally the sickness was gone. Then I would walk outside into a sunny day, and rejoice in the Lord.

What did Jesus say regarding worrying about the future?

Matthew 6:25 – 34 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

I dealt with trips to the dentist in the same way. (I really do not like going to the dentist.) Instead of brooding fearfully about the approaching dentist’s appointment, I took each preceding day one day at a time. And when I finally I sat in the dentist’s chair I would tell myself, “In thirty minutes or so this will all be over. Then I will walk out of the dentist’s smiling with joy because it’s over.” Focusing on the sense of relief and elation that would come when it was over helped me to get through the procedure, rather than focusing on the procedure itself.

The Lord’s wonderful advice sets us free from worrying about the future. “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:35

This is a very effective strategy for coping with depression as well. Take it one day at a time, trusting in Jesus to strengthen us and help us through that day, rather than constantly fearing what the future may hold.

We do not need to carry tomorrow’s burdens today. When we get to ‘tomorrow,’ Jesus will be there, ready to help us deal with them.

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All verses from NIV.

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From Hopelessness to Hope

I thought I would do something a little different for this post. Below are two entries from my diary. I wrote This is so Hard in July 1990 while still in the pits of depression – a time when I had no hope. I could see no future, everything was bleak, desolate, and there was no end in sight.

I wrote A Special Place in January 1992, while recovering from depression. This was after I had been shown the route to recovery, a time when hope had re-entered my life. I had already made significant leaps and bounds in my recovery, but was still afflicted by panic attacks, episodes of endless mental churning, extreme exhaustion, and so on.


This is so Hard 3rd July 1990
Sometimes, it seems that being a Christian hinders more than it helps.
My understanding of God was then when someone was going through a hard time,
He would strengthen them,
That He would help and heal them.
Yet, I find that for much of the time,
I try to forget about Him, because when I think of Him,
I see Someone who could heal me simply by speaking two words,
"Be healed."

I know what He can do, and I've seen what He can do.
I know it is in His character to heal all people of all sicknesses.
Yet, I am still here.
I keep going around in circles.
Why am I in such a mess? Jesus can heal me.
But regardless of how I've sought Him so far,
There's been nothing tangible,
So, I get angry and bitter.
And then I repent of my anger and bitterness,
And ask Him to help me to wait faithfully and patiently for Him.
It's just like when I suffered from insomnia.
He could have stepped in and stopped it, but He did not,
So I got angry - angry at Him, and angry at my body.

But I eventually learnt not to get angry,
So again here, step by step, I am learning to be patient,
But it is so hard, so hard.

I just want to get on with my life.
Will I ever be me again?
I just wish this sensation of being disturbed all the time would go away.
And know it will never come back.
I am not coping, and I know that.
I keep saying, "If I had inner peace, then I would cope."
But I know the Bible says that He is enough,
That Jesus is all we need.
That is easy to say,
But how can I say it,
When I can't see or hear Him doing anything to help?
Yet I'm sure He is helping, that He is carrying me,
But I just wish He would comfort me,
And let me see that He is comforting me.
It would help so much.

As I mentioned in previous posts, at this time I still adhered to the false assumption that God would not allow us to undergo such sufferings. See my previous entry, The Storms of Life. At this time, I also sought a miracle healing from depression. And although Jesus could have healed me instantly, I am so, so glad that He did not do so. Why?

The answer lies in the words I wrote above, “I just wish this sensation of being disturbed all the time would go away. And know it will never come back.”

If Jesus had healed my depression by a miracle, I would have learnt nothing from the ordeal, and would have slipped back into depression when the next major trial came along. If I had received a miracle healing, I would not have changed the faulty underlying thought processes that had contributed to my descent into depression in the first place. I am so thankful that the Lord taught me how to recover, and in doing so, taught me how to avoid succumbing to depression again.


Below is what I wrote just over a year after This is so Hard. Jesus had taken my despair and hopelessness and given me “a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” Isaiah 61:3.

A Special Place 10/1/92
There is a special place I love to go,
A place where I meet with a Real Person,
A place in which I can never spend enough time,
A place I never want to come back from,
A place that builds me up, and makes me content.
A place in which I can meet with the most Wonderful Person,
Who waits for me to come, to enjoy my company and friendship?
It is a place to which I can bring all my fears and worries,
And have them taken away from me, and be comforted in them.
It is where I can bring all my delights and joys,
Where I can share all my thoughts, hopes, and desires.
It is a place of fellowship and companionship.
A place where I can find my true worth,
As I see myself reflected in eyes that truly love me.

Where is this place?
It is at the feet of my Lord Jesus, at the foot of His throne.
There is always a place for me there in heaven.
Jesus tells me that He always keeps it available for me,
That at any time, whether morning or night, dusk or dawn,
When I lay down to sleep, when I rise in the morning,
Whether at work or play, He keeps this place for me.
I can come and sit on my knees at the feet of my Lord.
He is seated upon His glorious throne, ruling all creation,
All of the heavenly hosts are gathered around Him,
I stare up at His Wonderful face,
A face that I have dreamt about seeing countless times,
To see His gentle, loving, glorious nature revealed there,
To see him smile at me, driving away all my inhibitions,
His smile eclipses the light of the sun and moon,
And fills my heart with such delight that I can barely contain it.

I look into His eyes, and my heart is moved beyond words.
And those eyes look at me, and He smiles through them.
I see eternity, compassion, love, and kindness.
I see myself reflected in His eyes, and then
I know how much I really mean to Him. He really loves me.
And I hear His voice, that voice which made all things,
Forming the fabric of the universe simply by speaking.
The voice which sustains all creation, holding all things together.
His voice is soothing and comforting, I can hide in it.
And He speaks to me, telling me that He appreciates me,
That He waits for me to come and be with Him, to love Him.
He builds me up, tells me I'm special, that I am His.
He says that nothing can ever snatch me from His hands.
And I delight in every word He speaks and has spoken.
Not one of His eternal words will ever pass away.

And as I sit at the feet of Jesus, I can feel His Presence.
Of all the pleasant sensations I've ever known,
None even begin to compare to His wondrous Presence.
As I worship and praise Him, He pours His Presence out on me.
His Presence satisfies me completely, making me content.
It is a comforting river, into which I can dive headlong,
To feel it swirling all around me, gratifying my thirst.
I could remain there forever, enjoying His company.
And it delights my heart to know that when I am finally with Him,
Sitting at His feet for all eternity, His Presence will never fade.

And while I sit at His feet, staring lovingly at Him,
He reaches out to me with comforting hands.
Comforting hands which have healed me of sickness,
Which hold me tightly, never letting go - they are my refuge.
His hands guide me along the paths of righteousness,
They are the book of life, and my name is written upon them.
He reaches out and gently picks me up, to place me on His lap.
As the Creator to one of His little creatures,
As a Father to his son, He embraces me.
I snuggle up against His strong chest, afraid of nothing.
I curl up in His lap and fall asleep.
And these hands, which formed the heavens and earth,
Are a shield around me. I am safe.

These are the reasons why I delight to visit this special place.
The place where I sit at the feet of my Lord.


Let us rejoice in our Lord, our Saviour, who indeed rescues us from the miry pit and gives us an eternal hope that does not fade.

Isaiah 40:30-31
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

All verses from the NIV.

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The Storms of Life

I wrote the rough draft for this post a couple of weeks ago but got sidetracked into writing the wilderness post. Although the posts are similar in theme, I finally found the time to finish this one.

We have probably all heard at least one stirring message entitled, “Come to Jesus and He will calm your raging storms,” based on Mark 4:35-41, as below:

Mark 4:35-41 That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side." Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"
He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"
They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!"

This is such an encouraging and powerful passage of Scripture, yet on each occasion I have heard a sermon based on it, a significant aspect of the passage has been glossed over or omitted. Let us look at verse 35. That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side." Jesus, fully aware the storm was imminent, could have spared the disciples a great deal of distress and anguish had He said, “Look, there’s a really big storm coming, so let’s remain on land until it passes.”

But Jesus did not do that. Rather, he deliberately led the disciples through that storm. It is also important to note that the storm itself was not their destination – it was the other side of the lake. Bearing in mind that God uses all things for good for those who love Him; Jesus obviously had His divine purposes in mind when He took the disciples through that storm rather than avoiding it.

We can learn so much from this passage in Mark. It shows that our hope of being able to avoid the storms of life is an unrealistic expectation. I remember writing an essay in year twelve where I shared that I believed God would never allow me to go through any significant trials. Unrealistic expectations like this set us up for a fall. When those storms come, we are surprised, bewildered, and shocked.

Depression, the greatest trial I have endured, took me completely by surprise.

12th April ’90 –
What is this storm that rages within me?
Why won’t it abate, why won’t it subside?
It comes in like a storm, and devours me.
And it won’t go away. It’s near four months now.
Four months of doing nothing, just hiding, hiding, and waiting.
I have no future, how can there be one when I’m like this?
I can’t face anyone except those I must.
I wait and wait, I pray and pray.
But there’s nothing I can do, or else I’d have done it.
Every day means another day wasted,
I had such high hopes for this year,
But one third’s almost gone, and I’ve been in hell.
Oh Jesus, if I’d only known this was coming,
Then maybe I could have spent hours on my knees,
Begging You to avert it from me.

We can see by my conclusion in the above diary entry that I still had the false notion that we could avoid the storms of life. Although I had read Bible passages that tell us we will suffer, I subconsciously hoped that they would not happen to me. Hence when depression came, the shock brought me crashing to the ground. "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." (I Peter 4:12-13)

Let us also consider the words of Jesus when He faced with the greatest trial a man has ever faced - His atoning death on the cross. Matthew 26:42 He went away a second time and prayed, "My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done."

Another lesson to be gained from this passage in Mark is the disciples’ reaction to the storm. They feared there was no escape and that they would perish in it. That was my reaction to depression as well, I was terrified that it would never end and that there was no way out. I had completely forgotten that painful trials are part of our Christian walk towards growth and maturity, just as the disciples had forgotten Jesus words, "Let us go over to the other side." They already knew Jesus said they were crossing the lake, so why did they fear they would perish on the way?

Eventually, the disciples remembered the Lord and ran to Him for help. Yet instead of asking Him to lead them safely through the storm because they had faith in Him, they panicked, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"

Before going onto anti-depressant meds, depression afflicted me with chronic insomnia. Although some nights I managed to lie there all night without grumbling or complaining, after several nights of this torture I would snap. I remember shaking my fist at the ceiling and saying, “Jesus, why do you just sit there! Can’t you see that I need sleep? Why don’t you act? Don’t you care?”

The answer Jesus gave to the disciples in response to their fear has ministered so much to me. "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" I can imagine Jesus thinking the following as He gently admonished them. “Hey, why are you so afraid? Haven’t you figured it out yet? Don’t you know who I am? It’s Me, the One who brought your forefathers out of Egypt, the One who provided them with mana and quail, the One who lead them through the wilderness and into the promised land. Now if I did all that for them, why are you so afraid?”

And now comes the good bit, now we see why Jesus took the disciples through this storm, we see how He used this trial for good in their lives. Consider the disciples’ reaction when they glimpsed Christ’s divine power and glory as He stilled the raging storm. They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!" At long last, they began to understand that this Jesus was no ordinary prophet but God Almighty incarnated into human flesh, a God who was not impersonal and distant, but right there with them - Immanuel, God with us.

The disciples marvelled at the love and care Christ demonstrated for them, not only for stopping a raging storm just for them, but also for guiding them successfully to the other side. Did you know that a Psalm written centuries earlier shows us the disciples’ reaction to this very storm?

Psalm 107:23-31
Others went out on the sea in ships;
they were merchants on the mighty waters.
They saw the works of the LORD,
his wonderful deeds in the deep.
For he spoke and stirred up a tempest
that lifted high the waves.
They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths;
in their peril their courage melted away.
They reeled and staggered like drunken men;
they were at their wits' end.
Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
and he brought them out of their distress.
He stilled the storm to a whisper;
the waves of the sea were hushed.
They were glad when it grew calm,
and he guided them to their desired haven.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for men.

My experiences with depression were the same. To this day I praise and thank Christ for leading me through that storm and to the other side. I marvel at the power and loving care He demonstrated as He gently lead me back to full health. The result was that I drew much, much closer to Him, and learnt to rely upon Him to the extent that subsequent trials did not become wilderness experiences.

Philippians 3:8-11. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

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The Wilderness

We are all familiar with the story of Moses and the Israelites, enslaved by the Egyptians for three hundred years. God heard His people’s cries for help, and by a series of divine interventions, set them free from slavery and led them out of Egypt and into the wilderness, a desert.

However, the wilderness was not the Israelites destination, it was a place God was taking them through on the way to the land God had promised to give them, ‘a land flowing with milk and honey,’ Exodus 13:5.

The Bible frequently uses the Old Testament nation of Israel as a type or symbol of our own lives. We Christians were all slaves too – slaves to sin and death. God heard our cries for help, and through Christ’s atoning death and resurrection, set us free from slavery and led us out. And just like God lead Israel through a wilderness on the way to their Promised Land, there are times that He leads us through wildernesses on our way to heaven.

Why did God take Israel through the wilderness instead of taking them straight to the Promised Land? He did so to help them grow and mature. ‘Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.’ James 1:2-4.

To say it in another way, although God had taken Israel out of Egypt, He wanted to take Egypt out of Israel. Likewise, although God has taken us out of the world and sin, He wants to take the world and our old self-centred sinful nature out of us. God used my time in the wilderness experience of depression to purge so much of my sinful nature. He taught me to rely upon Him instead of on myself, to rest in His peace instead of trusting in my feelings, to trust that He was in control of my life, and that I have nothing to fear.

How long we tarry in the wilderness while on the way to our Promised Land depends largely on how we react to the wilderness experience. How did the Israelites respond to their journey through the wilderness?

Although they had just witnessed the awesome power of God in Egypt, what did they say when Pharaoh’s army trapped them against the shores of the Red Sea? “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Didn't we say to you in Egypt, 'Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians'? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!” Exodus 14:11-12.

And when they ran out of food? "If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death." Exodus 16:3

And when there was no water to be found? But the people were thirsty for water there, and they grumbled against Moses. They said, "Why did you bring us up out of Egypt to make us and our children and livestock die of thirst?" Exodus 17:3.

What about when faced with the powerful nations that occupied Canaan? All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron, and the whole assembly said to them, "If only we had died in Egypt! Or in this desert! Why is the LORD bringing us to this land only to let us fall by the sword? Our wives and children will be taken as plunder. Wouldn't it be better for us to go back to Egypt?" Numbers 14:2-3.

In all these cases, instead of turning to God and asking for His help, they complained and grumbled against God. Because of this, they ended up spending forty years in the wilderness instead of a few months.

Perhaps while in the wilderness we have had the same reaction - grumbling against God and wishing we were back in the world. “Life was better before I became a Christian, things were easier when I was in the world.” But we know that is not true. Firstly, unbelievers experience trials too, but without the comforting strength of Christ to sustain and help them. And secondly, even if life as an unbeliever had been easier, it was an illusion, a lie, as that life leads to hell. “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” Matthew 7:13-14.

A wilderness experience may seem unbearable to those who are in it, but we can be confident that God will not lead us through something that we cannot overcome through His strength. For example, did you know that God could have lead the Israelites to Canaan via a shorter route, but that this dangerous route was too hard for them? Exodus 13:17-18 When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them on the road through the Philistine country, though that was shorter. For God said, "If they face war, they might change their minds and return to Egypt." So God led the people around by the desert road toward the Red Sea.

So we can be confident that whatever we are going through today can be overcome if we rely upon Him.

Not all trials become a wilderness experience, although many have the potential of becoming one. The fact is that we can skip the wilderness aspect of suffering altogether by responding differently to the trial. See below a wilderness experience contrasted against suffering that skips the wilderness.

Suffering Leading to A Wilderness Experience
* We go through a trial
* We respond by complaining and grumbling against God
* We become bitter
* We enter an extended time in a spiritual wilderness
* Internal suffering becomes acute, almost unbearable
* We cry out to the Lord for help, and repent of our grumbling
* The Lord answers and leads us out of the wilderness
* The Lord continues to lead us along the road that leads to life

Suffering that Skips the Wilderness Experience
* We go through a trial
* We respond by thanking God for it
* We acknowledge that God is in control of every aspect of our life, even this one
* We rest in God’s peace, content to be in this place at this time
* The suffering does not become internal, but remains outside us as we take refuge in the Lord
* We reverently pour our heart out to the Lord, and wait patiently for His strength and provision
* The Lord continues to lead us along the road that leads to life

I have been through both of the above. Trials I experienced in late 1989 lead to one of the worst wilderness experiences possible, depression. While in this wilderness I went from pouring my heart out to God and reminding myself that He was faithful, to grumbling and complaining. I went from one extreme to the other, with the grumbling hindering my Christian walk and recovery.

If only the Israelites in the desert had praised God whenever they encountered difficulties, and waited patiently for Him to provide for their needs. Psalm 37:7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him. They had seen His works, His miracles, they saw the cloud and the pillar of fire – they knew He was with them. Had they done this instead of grumbling and complaining, they would have left the wilderness much sooner.

When the Lord taught me to stop grumbling, fearing and fighting what I was going through, that I needed to wait patiently for Him to lead me to full recovery, the inner suffering become noticeably less. As I waited to recover I praised Him, accepted that this was where He had lead me, and acknowledged that He was in control of my life, regardless of how things seemed. This was when my trek out of that wilderness began in earnest. And lead me out of that wilderness He did, and I continued my journey along the road that leads to life.

When I was afflicted by hundreds of complex partial epileptic seizures from 1996 to 2002/3, and then by deafness accompanied by almost unbearable tinnitus from 2002-2003, by applying the lessons I had learnt while recovering from depression, I was able to skip the wilderness aspect of those trials. Eventually the Lord led me through those trials as well. The epilepsy is now controlled by medication, and an operation restored 70% hearing to my deaf ear, removing much of the tinnitus as well. I am still partially deaf, but that’s a huge improvement over being deaf.

Let us learn from Israel’s example of what to do and what not to do, and guard our hearts from grumbling against God and our circumstances. Let us praise Him, acknowledge His lordship, and learn to be content whatever our circumstances. Then we can cut short time spent in the wilderness, and in the process learn how to skip the wilderness experience aspect of future trials.

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